Many of us have had the unrealistic expectation
that people will treat us differently from other people.
They might lie to everyone else but they will tell us the
truth. They will cheat on their former lover but they will
be faithful to us. They will gossip about other people but
they will keep our secrets. When they don't treat us differently
we feel betrayed. The reality is that people are consistent
unless they are actively working on changing a behavior.
Many of the disappointments in our lives are based on unspoken
expectations. When I honestly looked at my past relationships
I realized that I expected people to behave according to
my internal rules and regulations. I never really took the
time to find out what their expectations were, nor to tell
them clearly what mine were.
My definition of friendship includes spending time with
the other person, so I expected that from my friends. One
woman I knew consistently said she wanted to be friends but
never wanted to spend time together. I would call her and
ask her to do something and she would always say no. I often
felt disappointed. When I finally talked to her about this
I found out she was equally upset by my constant invitations
to do things together. She was too busy to spend time with
me. Her definition of friendship did not include spending
time together. Once our expectations about friendship were
clearly defined it was clear being friends would be impossible
unless one of us became willing to change her definition
of friendship.
When we negotiate an expectation with another person we
also have to realize that people are not always in touch
with what is true for them. We may say one thing when we
really mean something else. We don't intentionally lie to
one another but one's 'truth' often changes based upon internal
or external circumstances. Does that mean we need to stop
trusting everyone? No, but what it does mean is that we don't
try to make another person responsible for our happiness.
Frequently, if we have difficulty in trusting people, there
is a good chance we have the expectation that people will
betray our trust. If we have that expectation we will often
choose to trust people who aren't trustworthy. As we look
at our expectations we learn to trust our own inner knowing
above all else. We use past disappointments as a reminder
to listen to our own inner voice.
I have found that if I base my happiness on another person,
I will eventually feel let down or betrayed. Ultimately I
am the only person responsible for my happiness. If I expect
my friends, lovers, or the world as a whole to 'make me' happy
I doom myself to a life filled with disappointments. If on
the other hand I realize I am in charge of my happiness I
can be happy regardless of the events in my life. Focusing
on the feeling of betrayal prevents me from looking at the
role my beliefs and expectations play in the creation of
my happiness.
Unspoken expectations cause so many misunderstandings and
conflict in relationships. Until they are spoken they can't
be resolved either. If I start feeling disappointed, let
down or betrayed it is time for me to take a long, hard look
at my expectations. Instead of focusing on the emotions I'm
feeling I find it more productive to ask myself what I wanted
from the person or situation.
I find writing to be a very powerful tool for inner exploration.
I start by writing a letter to the person in question with
absolutely no intention of ever sending it. I start out by
fully expressing my emotions. I write about my anger, sadness,
fear, and disappointment. After I clear out my emotions I
take a few moments to get centered. I take a few deep breaths
and allow myself to get quiet. Then I ask myself the following
the questions: What did I want from the person or situation?
Are those desires realistic? What were my expectations? Are
they something I need to give to myself? Do I need to communicate
my expectations? If so, to whom do I need to communicate
them? And am I willing to do that?
In intimate relationships and close friendships it is often
harder for me to see my expectations. Frequently I would
rather be right than be happy. It is easier for me to see
that I was upset with an acquaintance because I expected
her to communicate her request in a more thoughtful manner
but when a lover isn't thoughtful it is harder to admit that
my expectations were the cause of my upset. Do I ignore my
feelings? No. Can I communicate my upset? Absolutely, but
blaming someone else for how I feel doesn't change much.
If I admit my feelings are my own, clearly communicate my
expectations, and then listen to what the other person expects
and needs we both will know one another a little bit better.
By becoming aware of our expectations and expressing them
we have a much greater chance of allowing the relationship
to become more intimate and we are both freer to be ourselves.
I can make my decisions based on what I want while taking
into account what the other person wants and needs as well.
My expectations stop me from experiencing life as it is
and instead I experience what I expect. In order to experience
each moment of my life fully I must be myself - without judgments,
without expectations, and without fear. Knowing that I can
change my experience of life by changing my expectations
makes it easier to release my judgments, expectations, and
fears.
If I stop focusing my attention on what happened and instead
focus my attention on what I can change - myself and my reactions
- life can become one magical experience after another. Even
the most profound betrayal can be an opportunity for me to
deepen my connection with myself. I can understand my expectations,
see how they affect my choices, and choose anew. As I looked
within I learned to listen to my inner voice, to trust myself,
and to clearly negotiate my expectations.
Betrayal can be my greatest guide; it will lead me to my
expectations every time. And, if I'm willing to change my
expectations, I can be happy no matter what is going on in
my life.
Ancient
Wisdoms of the Toltec Tradition | Forgiveness
and Beyond | Betrayal – A Guide to Intimacy?
| The Crone: A Spiritual Perspective
of Menopause | 'Tis
the Season | The Words
Behind the Words |
ow many times in your life have you felt
betrayed or let down by other people, yourself, or
society as a whole? When we feel betrayed the emotions
we feel are so primal, they seem to go to the very
core of our being. Once we learn to view betrayal
differently that feeling can become a gateway toward
greater intimacy and a deeper connection to ourselves.