In this video I talk about what a mentor is and what one isn’t. I discuss some of my own experience working with my past mentors and I hope I make clear just how powerful, supportive and life-changing mentorship can be.

Questions and ideas explored in this video:

• What is a mentor?
• How does mentoring help you explore your beliefs?
• What a mentor ISN’T.
• What the mentoring relationship is really all about.

 
My Transformational Mentoring Program is still open for a little bit longer (until midnight February 1, 2012) and there is still a place left for you if you are ready.

You can find out more and apply here: Transformational Mentoring Program

The Words Behind the Words

When my mother was a young girl, she wanted to be a poet. Her teacher made fun of her poetry and my mom believed her. Based on her teacher’s opinion my mother gave up her dream. Each time I got my report card, my mother would be furious that I had once again flunked English. One day she gave me a thesaurus and I began to explore the meanings of words. Sometime later I was writing a story about a village and found the word ‘quaint.’ I can still remember the big red circle the teacher put around that word with her comment – great word!

I don’t think I ever told my mother I loved words and she died before I began writing. Today I am a wordsmith – I love words and have found great freedom through my writing. I achieved that freedom by giving myself permission to change my definitions of words like responsibility and fault, love and intimacy (I now think of it as into me see), and by breaking all the unspoken agreements I had with my parents, my friends, and society as a whole.

As I have explored my definitions, I have found that unspoken words, non-negotiated agreements, and unexplored beliefs can enslave me faster than any prison ever could. I have learned that by exploring how I feel loved and what I need I can become a beloved friend to myself and happiness is mine.

Plato is attributed with saying, “A life unexamined is not worth living.” I know for myself the parts of my life I have yet to examine are often limiting in nature. My mother was suicidal most of her life, when she died I picked up her badge of honor until one day I said, “Enough.” We often unconsciously promise important people in our lives not to be happier or more successful than they were. When we lead our lives based on those unspoken words – sadly we may go to our graves trying to fulfill those promises we never really made.

I have found more times than not that my bliss lies just beyond the limits of my comfort zone or the limiting thoughts of my mind. My happiness and freedom lie beyond the words of my story in the land of unexplored realities, in stories I have not yet taught myself about this adventure I call my life.

I can either focus on the thoughts that seemingly arise out nowhere, out of the void of nothingness or I can consciously choose to tell myself something else. Today you will think 95% of the same thoughts you thought yesterday. Our minds endlessly repeat the same story. But thank goodness we are not our minds and we have the freedom to tell ourselves a different story.

Our experience of life is based on the story we tell ourselves. Unfortunately we actually believe the stores are real and get attached to them. When we meet someone new, what do we do? We start telling them our stories. Where we were born, what we ‘do’ for a living, perhaps how old we are. How many times have you told yourself and others the story of your childhood? If you didn’t like the story the first time, why keep telling it?

As you read these words, what are your thoughts? Is your mind ready to argue for your story? What stories have you been telling yourself lately? Are they really worth it? Are they real? What if you let life be as it is minus the story? What if you asked yourself moment by moment – how does that story make me feel? How would I respond to life if I told myself a different story? What if you realized it is really all a bunch of words based on a mind full of fear, beliefs, assumptions, agreements, and limitations. What if you allowed for the possibility that if you tell yourself other words you could respond to life with an open heart, full of love, compassion and limitless possibilities?

Try it for a time. Every time you have an emotional reaction to life that causes you suffering, ask yourself – “How could I see this through the eyes of love instead? How could I see this differently? Allow for the possibility that we have just forgotten what life is really about – that we told ourselves a scary story and believed it. Allow for the possibility that we are all playing at a game called life – that we really can have fun remembering our divine nature – that life is glorious, full of love, magic, and wonder – and that no one is ever really hurt or dies – that we are eternal beings remembering how to love unconditionally, perhaps remembering what it feels like to be in the presence of our own divinity.

You really are perfect just the way you are and this moment is perfect. We are perfect and we live in perfection – and then we tell ourselves a story – my suggestion is that you make your story a good one full of love, laughter and joy.

December 2003

The holiday season is upon us. A friend of mine told me last week a woman was trampled trying to get to the DVD sales table at Walmart. Over the years I’ve had many opinions about the holiday season. I’ve gone from looking forward to it all year as a child, ignoring it and hating it as a young adult, to looking at it as a time to reflect, share love, and see how far I’ve come in creating peace.

Whenever I think of the holidays I always think of the phrase, “Peace on earth, goodwill to all, and to all a good night.” I like to think of the holidays as holy days. This is the time of year that the sun changes courses in the heavens. What if we set our intent to change the course of our thinking as well?

I have had many discussions with people lately about peace and war. Of one thing I am sure, peace on earth is impossible if peace doesn’t live within each of us. Peace of mind and judgment can’t really coexist. The voice of the judge is generally the prelude to an inner war. If we can’t love and accept ourselves how can we accept others? What is war other than the lack of acceptance? Countries refuse to accept each other’s views and the leaders are willing to go to war in order to be right.

One of the question people have asked me is about how to engage with the world. What do we do in a world full of suffering? The truth is we engage with the world one thought at a time. So my question is: do your thoughts bring peace or suffering to you? What are you adding energetically to the universe with your thoughts?

Peace begins with acceptance of life just as it is. We can’t create peace by hating war or by fighting it or by judging it. Peace is a choice that can begin in this very moment within each of us. What if you used this holyday season as a time to love and accept yourself just as you are? You could view each light, each decoration, each moment as an invitation to celebrate the divine you just as you are.

I recently ran across this quote:

Great ideas come into the world quietly as doves. Perhaps then, if we listen attentively, we shall hear among the uproar of empires and nations a faint fluttering of wings, the gentle stirrings of life and hope.
~ Albert Camus

What if the great idea that came into your life this holyday season is to love yourself, see how perfect you are just as you are, and have goodwill toward you? How sweet life would be. Imagine what would happen if everyone woke up one day and simply loved. Love or fear – what if you simply chose love? There would truly be peace on earth and goodwill toward all.

This holiday season I will be reminding myself to love, simply love and I hope you will too.

In peace and love,
Susan

The Crone: A Spiritual Perspective of Menopause
By Dr. Susan Gregg

An article from the spring issue of Creations Magazine

As I explored my own femininity, I found that I had no problem with the spiritual stages of the maiden or the mother but I avoided thinking about old age and the crone stage. I remember the first time I heard the word crone. I immediately had a vision of a very old woman with a hooked nose and a hairy wart on her chin. There was absolutely no room in that vision for the dignity, wisdom and grace actually embodied in that stage of our evolution.

When I was a young girl my Father sat me down one day and told me my Mother would be a little crazy for the next few years, so be nice to her. Those were the only words ever spoken in my family about menopause. As I approached menopause I could feel my body going through changes and I knew I was entering another phase of my life. After some inner exploration I realized I equated menopause with a time of emotional instability and physical discomfort. I realized that view was prevalent in our society, even the medical community used the disease model when they treated menopause. Women in countries where this prejudice didn’t exist seemed to have fewer uncomfortable symptoms during menopause.

In the Native American tradition menopause is viewed as a passage, an extraordinary journey into wisdom, beauty and grace that comes only with age. When viewed from this perspective menopause becomes something to celebrate. When we stop bleeding monthly we aren’t losing our womanhood, we are holding on to our power, we are retaining our wisdom.

Once we enter this stage of our life we can no longer swallow our truth, we can no longer ignore our wants and needs, our bodies won’t let us. The fire of our being rises to the surfaces and pushes us to proclaim our truth. Menopause signals a time of change and change we must. As we move into the crone energy, we can no longer ignore our inner world it takes on a new meaning and a degree of importance. The crone is the wise woman, the one that sees beyond the surface into the depths. She is deeply connected to her spiritual essence and to the wisdom that resides there. The crone has a deep internal beauty that only comes with age, a gentleness and acceptance that comes from knowing and loving herself. The mother must put other’s needs first, she must put aside her own wants and needs to provide for her family. The crone must put herself first, she must learn to listen to her own inner wisdom and above all else honor that wisdom.

Becoming the crone can be a hard transition. It is a time when the spiritual becomes our primary focus. It is a time to go within. Any unresolved issues come roaring up to the surface of our consciousness. When we make a commitment to ourselves and our inner growth, the transition becomes easier, because we know what we need to do and how to do it.

For many people in our society, aging is shameful- something to be avoided at any cost. Youth is highly regarded while our aged are often locked away in nursing homes. They certainly aren’t honored for their wisdom. Menopause, the arrival of wrinkles and the sagging of our breasts are all events to be celebrated not viewed with horror or fixed by a surgeon’s blade.

These are signs that we are getting older, that we are moving into a time of being the trusted elders of our society, when our wisdom can provide comfort and strength.

As I have studied women¹s faces, I have come to realize that I like the deep grooves that give an old woman¹s face character. Some women develop a gentleness and beauty which seem to radiate from within, while others look tired and worn out. As I looked at older woman, I could see the passage of time imprinted on their bodies. Their bodies carried the truth they could no longer lie to themselves or to the world about how they felt about themselves. If they loved themselves and treated themselves with dignity and respect, it showed clearly in their bodies and in their faces. If they had spent most of their life ignoring themselves that showed as well. That frightened me. What would my face and body show?

At that point I made a choice. I decided to face my unexplored demons, to redouble my inner exploration. I wanted to be an old woman whose face showed kindness, love and wisdom. Menopause brought me that gift. If you want to read more about menopause, you might try Lynn Andrews’ book Woman at the Edge of Two Worlds, or Christiane Northrup’s book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom. Dr. Northrup uses a holistic approach to women’s issues as a whole.

I enjoy ceremonies, because I find they add a depth and a richness to my life. When you approach this phase of your life, you might consider having a party, inviting your friends and celebrating becoming the crone. Create a ceremony to claim your power, wisdom and strength. Take time for yourself each day to go within it makes the process so much easier. Love yourself and explore the gifts of this new phase of your life. Celebrate all of the changes in your life and in your body. No matter where you are in your process, embrace it, embrace yourself, love your process. It is yours and yours alone, so you may as well enjoy it!

Betrayal ~ a Guide to Intimacy?

How many times in your life have you felt betrayed or let down by other people, yourself, or society as a whole? When we feel betrayed the emotions we feel are so primal, they seem to go to the very core of our being. Once we learn to view betrayal differently that feeling can become a gateway toward greater intimacy and a deeper connection to ourselves.

We all know what betrayal feels like but what is it really? The word comes from an old French verb that means to hand over or deliver up. The dictionary defines it as treachery, the disappointment of ones hopes and expectations, or to reveal, disclose, show, or exhibit.

I have found that betrayal can serve two very useful functions in my life that have very little to do with blaming the other person. They both have to do with me; my feelings of betrayal reveal my ability to communicate clearly and my willingness to take responsibility without blaming or judging myself or the other person.

Using any emotion in our lives as our ticket to freedom first involves a willingness on our parts to see things differently. When I look at betrayal I can focus my attention on what I perceive as treachery or look at my own expectations. Whenever I have an expectation I am setting myself up to be disappointed, especially if my expectations are not clearly negotiated.

Many of us have had the unrealistic expectation that people will treat us differently from other people. They might lie to everyone else but they will tell us the truth. They will cheat on their former lover but they will be faithful to us. They will gossip about other people but they will keep our secrets. When they don’t treat us differently we feel betrayed. The reality is that people are consistent unless they are actively working on changing a behavior.

Many of the disappointments in our lives are based on unspoken expectations. When I honestly looked at my past relationships I realized that I expected people to behave according to my internal rules and regulations. I never really took the time to find out what their expectations were, nor to tell them clearly what mine were.

My definition of friendship includes spending time with the other person, so I expected that from my friends. One woman I knew consistently said she wanted to be friends but never wanted to spend time together. I would call her and ask her to do something and she would always say no. I often felt disappointed. When I finally talked to her about this I found out she was equally upset by my constant invitations to do things together. She was too busy to spend time with me. Her definition of friendship did not include spending time together. Once our expectations about friendship were clearly defined it was clear being friends would be impossible unless one of us became willing to change her definition of friendship.

When we negotiate an expectation with another person we also have to realize that people are not always in touch with what is true for them. We may say one thing when we really mean something else. We don’t intentionally lie to one another but one’s ‘truth’ often changes based upon internal or external circumstances. Does that mean we need to stop trusting everyone? No, but what it does mean is that we don’t try to make another person responsible for our happiness. Frequently, if we have difficulty in trusting people, there is a good chance we have the expectation that people will betray our trust. If we have that expectation we will often choose to trust people who aren’t trustworthy. As we look at our expectations we learn to trust our own inner knowing above all else. We use past disappointments as a reminder to listen to our own inner voice.

I have found that if I base my happiness on another person, I will eventually feel let down or betrayed. Ultimately I am the only person responsible for my happiness. If I expect my friends, lovers, or the world as a whole to ‘make me’ happy I doom myself to a life filled with disappointments. If on the other hand I realize I am in charge of my happiness I can be happy regardless of the events in my life. Focusing on the feeling of betrayal prevents me from looking at the role my beliefs and expectations play in the creation of my happiness.

Unspoken expectations cause so many misunderstandings and conflict in relationships. Until they are spoken they can’t be resolved either. If I start feeling disappointed, let down or betrayed it is time for me to take a long, hard look at my expectations. Instead of focusing on the emotions I’m feeling I find it more productive to ask myself what I wanted from the person or situation.

I find writing to be a very powerful tool for inner exploration. I start by writing a letter to the person in question with absolutely no intention of ever sending it. I start out by fully expressing my emotions. I write about my anger, sadness, fear, and disappointment. After I clear out my emotions I take a few moments to get centered. I take a few deep breaths and allow myself to get quiet. Then I ask myself the following the questions: What did I want from the person or situation? Are those desires realistic? What were my expectations? Are they something I need to give to myself? Do I need to communicate my expectations? If so, to whom do I need to communicate them? And am I willing to do that?

In intimate relationships and close friendships it is often harder for me to see my expectations. Frequently I would rather be right than be happy. It is easier for me to see that I was upset with an acquaintance because I expected her to communicate her request in a more thoughtful manner but when a lover isn’t thoughtful it is harder to admit that my expectations were the cause of my upset. Do I ignore my feelings? No. Can I communicate my upset? Absolutely, but blaming someone else for how I feel doesn’t change much. If I admit my feelings are my own, clearly communicate my expectations, and then listen to what the other person expects and needs we both will know one another a little bit better. By becoming aware of our expectations and expressing them we have a much greater chance of allowing the relationship to become more intimate and we are both freer to be ourselves. I can make my decisions based on what I want while taking into account what the other person wants and needs as well.

My expectations stop me from experiencing life as it is and instead I experience what I expect. In order to experience each moment of my life fully I must be myself – without judgments, without expectations, and without fear. Knowing that I can change my experience of life by changing my expectations makes it easier to release my judgments, expectations, and fears.

If I stop focusing my attention on what happened and instead focus my attention on what I can change – myself and my reactions – life can become one magical experience after another. Even the most profound betrayal can be an opportunity for me to deepen my connection with myself. I can understand my expectations, see how they affect my choices, and choose anew. As I looked within I learned to listen to my inner voice, to trust myself, and to clearly negotiate my expectations.

Betrayal can be my greatest guide; it will lead me to my expectations every time. And, if I’m willing to change my expectations, I can be happy no matter what is going on in my life.

Forgiveness and Beyond
by Dr. Susan Gregg

As is the case for so many of us, I carried wounds from my childhood into my adult life. As a young girl some boys molested me. At the time I was devastated. I was sure it was my fault, and when the boys told me not to tell anyone or they would kill me I believed them. Before that I never felt like I fit in afterwards I felt like a total misfit. I was sure life was a complex game and everybody except me knew how to play. When I began my journey of self-discovery in my twenties I ran across the concept of forgiveness and with a great deal of anger and judgment promptly rejected the idea. Over the years my thoughts on forgiveness have changed drastically. Now I believe forgiveness is one of the most important steps we can take toward achieving self-acceptance, peace of mind, and happiness.

We are taught to think in terms of duality: right and wrong, positive and negative, good and bad, black and white, you and me. Our society is based on the concept of domination – the society and the individual are seen as separate – the problem and the solution are two different things. As long as we view the world that way judgment and comparison are very much a part of our thought process. Forgiveness seems like we are letting them off the hook; punishment makes much more sense than forgiveness. We aren’t taught to believe that everything in life is one. But in truth we are all one. Everything and everyone are part of the great mystery of life.

There is another way of viewing life, which I call “dominion.” Symbolically, I think of dominion as a huge sphere, a womb that holds everything lovingly within it. How we view events in our life depends upon where we are standing on that sphere. I am not separate from anyone hence no one can do anything to me, they just do it. This view makes forgiveness a desirable and understandable component of life. Let me explain. As I embraced the concept of dominion I realized that those boys didn’t do anything to me, I just happened to be in the same place they were when they decided to do something. The boys that molested me dealt with their emotional pain by passing it on to me. It was really all about them. What a gift that realization was for me! Not only was I able to forgive them but I was able to forgive myself and really see the experience for what it was, an opportunity to learn how to open my heart and love at a much deeper level.

I strongly believe that if we learn to live in dominion instead of domination the world would be a much more loving and gentle place to live. In dominion, rather than judging events we embrace them. Life, relationships, and everyday events become an opportunity for us to see our filter system, which is composed of all of our assumptions, agreements, and beliefs. In each moment we have a choice: will I see this through the eyes of my filter system, the eyes of fear and separation, or will I see through the eyes of my spirit, the eyes of love and oneness? In each moment, we can choose to either be in domination or dominion.

When I first introduce these concepts to people, they usually say I am asking them to be a doormat. They ask me how I can embrace the rapist or the murderer. When they ask that, I share the story of my family. The Nazis killed my great grandmother during the holocaust while a cousin went back to Germany to fight with the Nazis. Dominion allowed me to accept and understand both a brutal murder and murderer. Many holocaust survivors share that they couldn’t make peace with their experiences in the camps until they forgave the Nazis. I believe that as a species we missed a wonderful opportunity after World War II. Thin about it: if you want to get rid of a dandelion, cutting the head off won’t work. If you deal only with what’s on the surface the weed will come right back; if you dig out the root, the weed will be gone forever.

The legacy of Hitler and the holocaust isn’t just about unthinkable cruelty and genocide. Those were just the head of the dandelion. If we have the courage to really examine the root we will find judgment and our need for domination. I believe the questions we ask as a society often define us. What if we had asked ourselves what caused Hitler to have a filter system that allowed him to make choices that resulted in the death of millions of people? What if we had seen judgment as the cause of all that death and suffering and Hitler as the symbol of our collective hatred, criticism, and judgment? What could we have changed as a society? Where would we be today if we had sought to free ourselves from judgment instead of focusing our judgment on what they did?

Everything in life is a process and by definition a process takes time. Getting to the point that we are even willing to think about forgiveness often takes a long time. I believe that exploring the concept of dominion expedites arriving there. When we view the world from a place of dominion our perspective changes and we are able to fully embrace the experience. As we learn to embrace the events in our life, the problem and the solution become one.

The first step in our emotional healing is allowing ourselves to freely vent our anger and judgment. It is important not to rush through this step. Do whatever is necessary to release the emotional trash surrounding the issue; write a series of letters fully expressing all your thoughts, judgments, and feelings and then burn them; draw pictures; scream and yell; beat on pillows. After all, if we have a lot of emotional trash hanging around, it is much harder to move toward forgiveness. Once we release the emotions we have attached to the memory, we can begin the process of forgiveness and acceptance and then we can begin to see the gift contained in every event in our lives.

All of our emotions are generated by what we tell ourselves about the events in our lives rather than by the events themselves. As we change what we tell ourselves about an event our emotions will change as well. Our emotions are really signposts that point toward our filter system. Our filter system is composed of our beliefs, the assumptions we’ve made about life, and the agreements we have made with ourselves and our world. We think we are seeing reality when we are really seeing the distorted version of reality created by our beliefs, the assumptions we’ve made about life, and the agreements we’ve made with ourselves and our world; we see our filter system and not the world.

We often say things like, “You hurt my feelings,” or “You really make me angry.” What actually happens is that someone does something, then we tell ourselves something about what happened, and those words generate our emotional response. All the events in our lives are emotionally neutral until we attach an emotion to an event by what we tell ourselves. When we realize our emotions are our own creation we can use them to set ourselves free of our limiting beliefs. We can use the events in our life to illuminate our filter system. Instead of focusing our attention on our emotions and trying to change the events in our life we can change the way we think. We don’t want to suppress our emotions, it is important for us to feel them and do what is necessary to release them. This allows us to have an opportunity to see our filter system in a neutral and non-judgmental manner.

After we achieve a degree of emotional neutrality it is much easier for us to see our filter system for what it is – a collection of ungrounded and limiting beliefs. Our mind would much rather be right than be happy. Our spirits are limitless while our minds feel safer within the familiar limits of our filter system. Once we fully embrace that which our mind wants to judge we can then set ourselves free. At that point not only do we forgive ourselves and anyone else involved with the event but we move beyond the need for forgiveness.

As we move beyond forgiveness and toward acceptance we see the beauty of all of our creations. When we view life from the perspective of dominion we begin to see it as a work of art we create moment by moment. Every event in our life is an opportunity to deepen our connection with ourselves, the people in our lives, and with God, the Great Spirit or whatever you choose to call the Creator of this magnificent universe. After we clearly see the role our filter system plays in our experience of life we often want to release it.

Until then we frequently attempt to control things that are beyond our control so we can be happy or, at least comfortable. We try to change the events in our lives rather than how we see them. When we learn to focus on our filter system instead of what ‘they did’ or ‘what happened to us’ we can learn to be happy no matter what is going on in our lives. We can move beyond forgiveness to a deep sense of acceptance of life just as it is. When we finally realize it has been our filter system that has prevented us from being happy we can change how we think about life.

Changing your mind is a process and it can be an easy and enjoyable one or one that is full of pain and struggle. The choice is yours. To make it a more enjoyable experience create an inner sanctuary for yourself, become your own best friend, talk lovingly to yourself, and gently accept yourself just the way you are. Remember, learning to see life through the eyes of dominion and love is a process that takes time. Give yourself the gift of taking as much time as you need.

Happiness really is just a thought away but at times it sure doesn’t seem that way. It is so easy to get caught up in the illusion we call reality and forget our true nature. Happiness is your birthright and as you clear out your filter system (which is composed of your beliefs, agreements, assumptions, and thoughts) you can learn to be happy no matter what is happening in your life. Give yourself that gift – do whatever it takes to lovingly retrain your mind and begin living your life based on love and the guidance of your spirit rather than the dictates of your mind.

• We think we are seeing reality when what we are really seeing is the reflection of our filter system. Our minds would much rather be right than be happy -
• What limiting beliefs are you still arguing for?
• What are your beliefs about the world? Is it a safe place?
• It life hard or easy and full of joy?
• Is money easy to come by?
• Do you have more than enough of everything?
• How do you see yourself?
• How do you think the Great Spirit, God, Goddess, all there is see you?
• What could you do right now to improve the quality of your life?
• How do you define happiness?

Writing is one of the most powerful tools I have found – when we talk about an issue of think about it we can get caught in endless thought loops but when we take the time to write about it clarity is sure to follow. Take some time – answer the questions – begin your book of freedom.

Five years from now if you embrace these concepts your life will be totally transformed – it will take time, effort, discipline, and dedication – but you will be free of your limitations. If you do nothing your life will be pretty much the same and you will just be five years older. Imagine it is five years from now – which choice do you wish you had made? Make it now!