I wrote this a number of years ago. I just ran across it and thought it was time to share it ….. enjoy

As so many of us do, I carried wounds from my childhood into my adult life. As a young girl I was molested by some boys. At the time I was devastated. I was sure it was my fault, and when the boys told me not to tell anyone or they would kill me I believed them. Before that I never felt like I fit in afterwards I felt like a total misfit. I was sure life was a complex game and everybody except me knew how to play. When I began my journey of self-discovery in my twenties I ran across the concept of forgiveness and with a great deal of anger and judgment promptly rejected the idea. Over the years my thoughts on forgiveness have changed drastically. Now I believe forgiveness is one of the most important steps we can take toward achieving self-acceptance, peace of mind, and happiness.

We are taught to think in terms of duality: right and wrong, positive and negative, good and bad, black and white, you and me. Our society is based on the concept of domination – the society and the individual are seen as separate – the problem and the solution are two different things. As long as we view the world that way judgment and comparison are very much a part of our thought process. Forgiveness seems like we are letting them off the hook – punishment makes much more sense than forgiveness. We aren’t taught to believe that everything in life is one. But in truth we are all one, everything and everyone is part of the great mystery of life.

There is another way of viewing life, which I call dominion. Symbolically I think of dominion as a huge sphere, a womb that holds everything lovingly within it. How we view events in our life depends upon where we are standing on that sphere. I am not separate from anyone hence no one can do anything to me, they just do it. Viewing life this way makes forgiveness a desirable and understandable component of life. Let me explain. As I embraced the concept of dominion I realized that those boys didn’t do anything to me, I just happened to be in the same place they were when they decided to do something. The boys that molested me dealt with their emotional pain by passing it on to me. It was really all about them. What a gift that realization was for me! Not only was I able to forgive them but I was able to forgive myself and really see the experience for what it was, an opportunity to learn how to open my heart and love at a much deeper level.

I strongly believe that if we learn to live in dominion instead of domination the world would be a much more loving and gentle place to live. In dominion, instead of judging things we embrace them. Life, relationships, and everyday events become an opportunity for us to see our filter system, which is composed of all of our assumptions, agreements, and beliefs. In each moment we have a choice – will I see this through the eyes of my filter system, the eyes of fear and separation, or will I see through the eyes of my spirit, the eyes of love and oneness? In each moment we can choose to either be in domination or dominion.

When I first introduce these concepts to people they usually say I am asking them to be a doormat. They ask me how I can embrace the rapist or the murderer? When they ask that, I share the story of my family. The Nazis killed my great grandmother during the holocaust while a cousin went back to Germany to fight with the Nazis. Dominion allowed me to accept and understand both a brutal murder and murderer. Many holocaust survivors share that they couldn’t make peace with their experiences in the camps until they forgave the Nazis. I believe that as a species we missed a wonderful opportunity after World War II. If you want to get rid of a dandelion, cutting the head off won’t work. If you deal only with what’s on the surface the weed will come right back; if you dig out the root, the weed will be gone forever.

The legacy of Hitler and the holocaust isn’t just about unthinkable cruelty and genocide. Those were just the head of the dandelion. If we have the courage to really examine the root we will find judgment and our need for domination. I believe the questions we ask as a society often define us. What if we had asked ourselves what caused Hitler to have a filter system that allowed him to make choices that resulted in the death of millions of people? What if we had seen judgment as the cause of all that death and suffering and Hitler as the symbol of our collective hatred, criticism, and judgment? What could we have changed as a society? Where would we be today if we had sought to free ourselves from judgment instead of focusing our judgment on what they did?

Everything in life is a process and by definition a process takes time. Getting to the point that we are even willing to think about forgiveness often takes a long time. I believe exploring the concept of dominion expedites arriving there. When we view the world from a place of dominion our perspective changes and we are able to fully embrace the experience. As we learn to embrace the events in our life the problem and the solution become one.

The first step in our emotional healing is allowing ourselves to freely vent our anger and judgment. It is important not to rush through this step. Do whatever is necessary to release the emotional trash surrounding the issue; write a series of letters fully expressing all your thoughts, judgments, and feelings and then burn them; draw pictures; scream and yell; beat on pillows. After all, if we have a lot of emotional trash hanging around it makes it much harder to move toward forgiveness. Once we release the emotions we have attached to the memory we can begin the process of forgiveness and acceptance and then we can begin to see the gift every event in our life contains.

All of our emotions are generated by what we tell ourselves about the events in our lives rather than by the events themselves. As we change what we tell ourselves about an event our emotions will change as well. Our emotions are really signposts that point toward our filter system. Our filter system is composed of our beliefs, the assumptions we’ve made about life, and the agreements we have made with ourselves and our world. We think we are seeing reality when we are really seeing the distorted version of reality created by our beliefs, the assumptions we’ve made about life, and the agreements we’ve made with ourselves and our world; we see our filter system and not the world.

We often say things like, “You hurt my feelings,” or “You really make me angry.” What actually happens is someone does something, then we tell ourselves something about what happened, and those words generate our emotional response. All the events in our lives are emotionally neutral until we attach an emotion to the event by what we tell ourselves. When we realize our emotions are our own creation we can use them to set ourselves free of our limiting beliefs. We can use the events in our life to illuminate our filter system. Instead of focusing our attention on our emotions and trying to change the events in our life we can change the way we think. We don’t want to suppress our emotions, it is important for us to feel them and do what is necessary to release them. That allows us to have an opportunity to see our filter system in a neutral and non-judgmental manner.

After we achieve a degree of emotional neutrality it is much easier for us to see our filter system for what it is – a collection of ungrounded and limiting beliefs. Our mind would much rather be right than be happy. Our spirit is limitless while our mind feels safer within the familiar limits of our filter system. Once we fully embrace that which our mind wants to judge we can then set ourselves free. At that point not only do we forgive ourselves and anyone else involved with the event but we move beyond the need for forgiveness.

As we move beyond forgiveness and toward acceptance we see the beauty of all of our creations. When we view life from the perspective of dominion we begin to see it as a work of art we create moment by moment. Every event in our life is an opportunity to deepen our connection with ourselves, the people in our lives, and with God, the Great Spirit or whatever you choose to call the Creator of this magnificent universe. After we clearly see the role our filter system plays in our experience of life we often want to release it.

Until then we frequently attempt to control things beyond our control so we can be happy or at least comfortable. We try to change the events in our lives instead of how we see them. When we learn to focus on our filter system instead of what ‘they did’ or ‘what happened to us’ we can learn to be happy no matter what is going on in our lives. We can move beyond forgiveness to a deep sense of acceptance of life just as it is. When we finally realize it has been our filter system that has prevented us from being happy we can change how we think about life.

Changing your mind is a process and it can be an easy and enjoyable one or one that is full of pain and struggle, the choice is yours. To make it a more enjoyable experience create an inner sanctuary for yourself, become your own best friend, talk lovingly to yourself, and gently accept yourself just the way you are. Remember, learning to see life through the eyes of dominion and love is a process that takes time. Give yourself the gift of taking as much time as you need.

With love and aloha,
Susan

A student recently posted this on the apprentice e group:

I was recently told of an African tribe that does the most beautiful thing. When someone does something hurtful and wrong, they take the person to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him. For two days they’ll tell the man every good thing he has ever done.  

The tribe believes that every human being comes into the world as Good, each of us desiring safety, love, peace, happiness. But sometimes in the pursuit of those things people make mistakes.

The community sees misdeeds as a cry for help. They band together for the sake of their fellow man to hold him up, to reconnect him with his true Nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth from which he’d temporarily been disconnected: “I AM GOOD”.

You could do the same thing for yourself. Every morning look in the mirror and remind yourself how wonderful you are. If you find yourself judging yourself or others or thinking negatively once again look in the mirror and remind yourself of your perfection.

At the end of the day take a few minutes to review your day. If there are any moments you think are less than loving, forgive yourself and the once again look in the mirror lovingly. Look deeply into your eyes and remind yourself how perfect and wonderful you are.

Ever event in life is either love in action or a call for love. Love is always the answer so love yourself into bliss and happiness.

With lots of love,
Susan

Related Posts:

When life gives you lemons

The World is a Vast Energy System

How do I find my life’s purpose

There is a wonderful tool called Recapitulation in the Toltec tradition. It literally allows you to remove the emotional baggage from the past so you can see your filter system and understand how that creation arrived in your life. When you recapitulate you can literally rewrite your history.

When I did that I began to remember different events from my childhood. I began to have a happy childhood instead of an abusive one. We create much of our everyday experiences based on our stories about the past so why not rewrite your past? Happy stories create happy present moments. Do you want to hold onto your past or create a joyous life moment by moment? Or as I often ask: Do you want to be right or be happy?

Is the thought of totally rewriting your past challenging?

When I introduce people to this idea the first response I usually get is, “Isn’t that denial?” Remember we never see reality directly, We see our filter system’s version of reality – is that denial? Why not focus on a ‘truth’ that facilitates us creating what we want when we want it?

What do you have to lose by letting go of your “my past is my past and they done me wrong” story? Misery, limitations, being right, blaming others, feeling like a victim, being at affect of the past.

What do you have to gain by rewriting the past? Happiness, freedom, joy, a life of your dreams and the ability to create what you want when you want.

It never is too late to have a happy childhood! When I recapitulated my experience of being kidnapped and molested I got to see my beliefs around being powerless, playing a victim and a variety of limiting beliefs. Once I shifted those beliefs I no longer had a need to judge those boys or feel like it was a negative experience. It was part of my childhood based on some old beliefs. In the context of those beliefs it was a logical outcome. I am free and feel grateful.

At least play with the idea of rewriting what was so you change what will be.

Join me in my free teleclass July 6, 2011 if you have any questions.

With love and aloha,
Susan

Related Posts:

Deliberate Intent

Boundaries without limits

Suffering is optional

I talk a great deal about emotional neutrality and the perfection of everything. I know every event is perfect and that doesn’t mean that at times I don’t have strong reactions, judgments and profound wonderment at our choices as a species. This week I had one of those moments.

Celebrating Osama bin Laden’s death

No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.
Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

I watched the images of people celebrating the killing of Osama Bin Laden and was deeply saddened. It is that very behavior that helps nurture the creation of terrorists. Hatred and judgment creates the perception of the need to retaliate.

Do people really not see the inevitability of al-Qaeda getting even? As with Hitler, I wonder about the beliefs, agreements and assumptions that created these men. I hope some day we will be willing to look at our collective filter system with a willingness to see it and modify it.

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Martin Luther King, Jr

My question is when will we get that? When will we realize that judgment and hatred will never create peace? As long as we live in a world driven by right and wrong we will create a world filled with hatred, judgment and war.

Today My Spiritual Practice Is To Love The War On _____ You Fill In The Blank

Today my spiritual practice is to accept, embrace and love the people that celebrate Osama Bin Laden’s death. I want to be bale to love all the people that believe the war on terrorism or the war on drugs or the war on illegal aliens will succeed and improve the world.

It will take lots of self talk on my part, prayer, meditation, love, forgiveness, more love, more surrendering and LOTS OF LOVE to get there. I may not get there today or tomorrow or next year but it is my intent to release all internal conflict and judgments. I will create peace within, without that there is no hope for peace out there.

I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones. Albert Einstein

Blessed be,
Susan

I often get questions about how it is we create our reality. People often confuse being responsible with being at fault. Bottom line everything that is in our life is there by invitation and everything that isn’t in our life isn’t there because we haven’t invited it yet. Often our invitations aren’t necessarily conscious, “Gee, I think I’ll invite this drama into our life.” Our invitations are based on our default settings, habitual in nature, sent by our filter system and our limiting beliefs.

Are the Holocaust victims at fault?

I recently had a woman say “I spent a few days trying to reconcile inviting things like this into our lives.” and another person asked me. “How can I say that the victims invited such a catastrophe into their lives and could they really make it all go away by thinking happy thoughts?….what am I missing?”

When we look at life from the perspective of our mind we see good and evil; right and wrong; life and death. The idea of life being perfect and everything being pono (right place, right time, absolutely perfect) is an impossible concept. It is hard to even imagine no less embrace. Of course the Holocaust victims aren’t at fault.

From the perspective of our spirit

However, when we see life through the eyes of our spirit we see a totally different world. We see the world as a place we all come together, experiment, play and see the three dimensional version of our beliefs, agreements and assumptions. Death is simply part of the game, certainly not final because we are an immortal, infinite and eternal spirit. We go on even after the game ends.

I had a vision after 9/11 of all the people that died on that day showing up in the after life at the same time, looking at one another surprised and say, “What a hell of a ride that was!” Events like war, the holocaust, rape and murder are all indicative of people that are living their lives from their filter system, immersed in their mind’s perspective and certainly not from a connection to their spirit.

The chance World War II gave us

I firmly believe at the end of WWII we had an incredible opportunity to really change our paradigm from one of judgment and fear to one of love. At the end of World War II we had an opportunity to ask ourselves questions about what allowed the Nazis to flourish and the holocaust to happen but instead we did what we always do, react. If we had looked at the real cause we would have realized it was judgment, fear and a collective belief in separation. When we live from our spirit we realize, “you are me, I am you and we are one.” How could we judge from that perspective? There are choices made in love and ones based in fear. Fear leads to judgment and violence while love leads to acceptance and more love.

What if instead of blaming and punishing the Nazis we as a species looked, sincerely looked at what judgment, fear and a belief in separation has created throughout history. What if we looked for ways to overcome our judgmental nature. Realistically, I don’t think we are ready do that as a society but we can do that individually.

Next time you have a judgment, listen to your heart instead

Asking the question: How can I see this through the eyes of love or the eyes of my spirit? will change your perspective if you are willing to listen to the answer.  A question like this,”How can I say that the victims invited such a catastrophe into their lives?” is based on judgment. The words victim and catastrophe have an emotional charge based on a belief that is fear based.  What you say! Of course there are victims and victimizers.

Stay with me for a minute. If you step back and see the world from the loving, expansive perspective of your spirit there are no victims, just spirits having an experience, granted not necessarily a loving, light-hearted, fun one but it is just an experience. Life is emotionally neutral. No event in life has an emotion inherently attached to it. Death can be tragic, grief laden or simple a transition or a joyous return home. Based on your story you have an experience.

I see every event in life as an opportunity to deepen my connection with my spirit or my filter system. If I judge or react in fear from my filter system (my beliefs, agreements and assumptions) gets thicker and my life becomes more limited. If I choose to deepen my connection with my spirit I move closer to my true, limitless nature.

There are certainly events that require more acceptance and love than others. It is easy to be loving when everything is going well. We have a choice to choose how to act or we react based on our perspective. Choosing to act feels so much better than reacting.  Seeing the Holocaust through the eyes of love and compassion allows us deepen our connection to our spirit, we feel better and have a more expansive perspective. If I judge the Holocaust I feel sad, angry and afraid.

Look at the world fear built

We have been practicing judgment and fear for centuries. What if we gave love a chance? I could write books and am working on a book about this paradigm shift so I imagine you have some thoughts or feelings. I’d love to hear from you and the comment section is waiting!!

With love and aloha,
Susan

Related Posts:

Mosques at ground zero and 9/11
Being Responsible versus Being at Fault
Ripples

I am making videos of some of the most popular blog posts. I hope you enjoy. If you have a topic you’d like me to write about just drop me an email.

Late one night I was sitting at a gate in Seattle waiting for my flight. A young boy sat a short distance away sobbing. His parents were very upset and yelling at him. His mother was telling him how selfish and self-centered he was. Periodically the father would angrily add to the discussion. The boy’s sister sat and watched smiling smugly. The boy was unable to catch his breath he was crying so hard. Several people moved away obviously uncomfortable about the exchange.

The young boy kept trying to defend himself and his mother continued to tell him how wrong he was. I felt powerless as I watched the drama unfolding before me. I wanted to run over and say to them, “Stop! Don’t you realize what you’re doing to your son?” The young boy’s sobs continued to deepen and his whole body trembled. After a few more futile attempts to communicate his feelings his eyes stopped focusing on his parents, his body was present but you could tell he was no longer listening.

As a young girl I too had cried as I listened to my mother yelling at me about being so selfish. I never quite understood what she was talking about. I tried so hard to please her yet I always seemed to fail so miserably. Eventually I stopped crying and became defiant. It was safer to be angry than it was to be sad. Long before that I had stopped feeling lovable. By then I knew there was something inherently wrong with me, how else could I fail to make my mother and everyone else in my life happy. But deep down inside of me there was a little voice I seldom heard that said, “What about me?”

As I watched that young boy I realized I was witnessing the creation of that part of him that would always feel unlovable. With each word and gesture his parents were reinforcing the beliefs that, no matter what he would never do anything right and that he was unlovable. As he retreated further and further into his mind’s chatter I could only imagine what decisions he was making, ones that would affect his ability to feel loved, to love others, to be intimate, and to experience freedom, joy, and happiness.

It is in those darkest hours when we feel so alone, when we have to face the end of a relationship or the death of someone dear to us that we need to feel loved and that is also often a time we feel most unlovable. Recently I realized a good portion of my life I had been unlovable. I wasn’t unlovable because there was something wrong with me. I was unlovable because I had walled myself off from love, no one could love me because I couldn’t and wouldn’t let love in. Love was just too scary and painful.

That realization was incredibly freeing for me. There wasn’t something wrong with me after all. Feeling unlovable was an accurate description that had nothing to do with me being a valid, worthwhile human being. Feeling unlovable simply meant that I was unable or unwilling to allow myself to feel loved at that moment.

Intimacy is such a funny thing. As a species we seem to crave it while at the same time doing everything possible to avoid being vulnerable enough to experience intimacy. I think of intimacy as “into me see.” If I feel defective or unlovable I am certainly going to protect myself. I am not going to willingly allow you to get to know the real me.

Chances are, if I feel unlovable, I don’t know the real me either. I am not going to let myself know what I’m feeling or what I want or need. I am going to find some way to numb myself out – to avoid intimacy with myself as well as you. I may even try to please you in order to get you to like me instead of focusing on my own wants and needs.

When my flight arrived in Anchorage I saw that little boy struggling to get his parent’s bags off the carousel. By now it was well after three in the morning and there was this little boy trying to get mom and dad to love him. Do you remember what it feels like to try to get someone to like you? Have you ever given up part of yourself to try and save a relationship?

I believe that as human beings we need to feel loved or lovable. We all learn to express that need differently. Some of us become demanding and try to control other people’s behaviors, others become whinny, some become like a bottomless pit, always needy. We can cover up that need with anger or indifference; we can hurt one another or even kill one another. To hide that need we can use something such as an addiction or simply wither up and die inside. Unless we face that need directly we actually cut ourselves off from the very thing we so desperately seek.

As I watched that young boy I realized the reason I had felt unlovable all those years was because I was . I was unable to be loved, accept love, or even love myself. Those decisions I had made long ago as a little girl had trapped me in a prison – as a young girl I wasn’t able to realize that I had an endless well of love within my heart; that no matter what others were saying I could use a gentle inner voice to remind me that I was perfect just the way I was.

As a child I was told sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me. In my life that hasn’t been the case – no one has thrown stones at me but I have heard many unkind words. Those words lose their sting when I learn to be loving toward myself. I am lovable when I am able to love myself.

Freeing myself from the echoes of all the old wounds is a process of learning to be my own best friend. I must learn to listen to myself and make sure all of my internal commentary is nonjudgmental, loving and kind. I need to become aware again of my wants and needs.

Part of me wanted to go over to that little boy, hold him in my arms, and tell him how wonderful he was. I wanted him to know that he was loved and very lovable. I wanted to ask his parents what they wanted to create in that moment. I am sure they loved their son. I’m fairly certain they had no idea how deeply they were hurting their son. They simply wanted him to modify his behavior.

When I think of all the wisdom I dismissed as a child because of miscommunications. My mom wanted to help me avoid some of the pitfalls she had encountered in her life. All I could hear was I was doing it wrong one more time or my mother’s way was the only right way. I wasn’t able to feel her love no less internalize and use the wisdom of her years.

I have learned to go inside and see what I am telling myself whenever I am reacting to someone else’s words. When I need to defend myself or in some way feel judged or devalued I am the one creating those feelings. If I feel unloved today I know it is because I am unavailable to being loved. If I am feeling judged I am the one doing the judging. No one can affect the way I am feeling unless I agree with what they are saying. What freedom, today I can chose how I feel regardless of what is going on around me.

Next time you feel like arguing with someone remind yourself that their opinion doesn’t count unless you let it. Let the other person have their opinion, after all it in no way diminishes yours unless you allow it to. Words can only hurt us if we agree with them.

A wonderful exercise is to carry around a small notebook and whenever you are feeling judged or ‘unloved’ to a few minutes to write down your inner dialog. What are you telling yourself? We swim in a sea of unconditional love yet we have the ability to feel unloved. Noticing how we do that is incredibly freeing and transformational.

With love and aloha,
Susan

I have recently written a series of posts about the controversy about building a mosque in NYC on my beliefnet blog.  For some reason this issue has engaged me. Here is a video blog post. I have a feeling I may have a lot more to say about this topic and I am not really sure why.

What do angels, mosque at ground zero and 9/11have in common? From the comments and e mails I have been getting very few people chose to look at the issue through the eyes of the angels, nor have they asked the angels how else they can see these events.

It was interesting to me. I actually found myself getting rather upset with people’s judgments and of course that meant I was judging them for judging! I view every event in life as opportunity to either deepen my connection to my filter system or to deepen my connection to my spirit. My emotions are a clear indication which direction I am going. Joy, love, acceptance indicate I am getting closer to my spirit. Fear, judgment and anger show me I am reinforcing my limiting beliefs and deepening my connection to my filer system.

For me it is early Monday morning and the whole weeks lies before me like a new journal without a single word on any of its pages. When I think about the week with that realization I know I can write anything I want on the pages of the days to come.

So as I sit here I imagine it is Sunday and I am looking back over the week. What do I want to see there? How do I want to feel about this little block of linear time called last week?

Do I want to look back and smile because I was able to bring joy into someone’s life? Do I want to have a profound sense of gratitude because I spent most of the week profoundly connected to my spirit, fed by the sweet nectar of that love? Do I want to feel a sense of accomplishment because I finished all the tasks I wanted to get finished? Do I want to have savored every moment of the precious gift of life?

Once I know how I want to feel next Sunday I simply need to make choices moment by moment to make that so.  Each day I set my intent and get clear about what I DO want to create. Each night I review my day.  I gently and lovingly notice if I need to adjust some of my choices, release any emotional baggage or make amends to someone for being less than loving.

The more consciously I make my choice the more magnificent my days become.

So what are you planning to create this week?

With love and aloha,
Susan

I was thinking about writing this post and goggled fear. I found this video and loved it so I thought I would share it.

With love and aloha,
Susan

Aloha everyone,

In the Toltec tradition fear is considered one of the obstacles to achieving personal freedom. The main objective of the tradition is to change your point of creation from your mind to your spirit. When you are aligned with your spirit you are fearless. When you are immersed in your filter system fear is everywhere.

One of the ways to use fear is as a guidepost helping you realize where you are in the continuum between your connection to your filter system or your spirit.  So you can use fear as an exercise to expand your awareness.

When you notice fear spend a few minutes and track your thoughts. Notice what you were thinking and how you disconnected from your spirit. By doing that you will diffuse the fear and unravel another piece of your filter system. You will be one step closer to achieving personal freedom.

With love and aloha,
Susan

Aloha everyone,

My dad died Tuesday. At times he was a difficult man. I used to have a story about my childhood that was filled with abuse and violence. Then I began my spiritual journey. I worked the twelve steps of a 12 step program and I used the tools of awareness, transformation and intent as I moved beyond forgiveness and into gratitude, wonder and awe. Life is an amazing journey in which we get to see our filter system and if we choose to pursue personal freedom let it all go and step into love.

Life is and then we tell ourselves a story. As I sat at my dad’s bedside watching him slowly transition I had many insights. Perhaps the most profound was the fact that all he ever wanted was to be loved.

What a gift it was to be able to see my dad as he truly was rather than how I had learned to think he was. He wasn’t a cruel man but rather a gentle loving soul struggling to live in this crazy world. He never had the gift of realizing life is an illusion and that all we ever experienced is our filter system until the very end.

I am so grateful I can now see my dad’s love and his gentle spirit and totally release all my stories about anger and abuse. Perhaps next time I want to react it will be far easier to respond from love instead. Life is too precious a gift to hold onto stories about the past that only hurt us. It really is never too late to have a happy childhood.

My childhood sent me in search of freedom and the ability to love and it taught me to find true happiness instead of settling for the illusion. That is an incredibly precious gift and I thank you dad for helping me find it!

With love, gratitude, happiness, joy and sadness,
Susan

I had a student that was really struggling with the idea that suffering is optional. She felt that many spiritual philosophies made suffering wrong. The gift of the Toltec tradition and Hawaiian spirituality is they both allow you to move beyond judgment and into a place of true freedom filled with love, joy and acceptance.

Imagine learning a new language. You thoroughly learn the vocabulary but totally ignore the structure, grammar and syntax of the language. You try to talk to natives of that language using your old grammar with the new vocabulary. Communicating complex concepts would be next to impossible.

The world created by the language of our mind is based on domination and the experience that we are all separate entities. The world inhabited by our spirit is based on dominion and the experience that we are one, part of a greater whole that is expansive and limitless. They are totally different languages, totally different ways of being in the world.

When living life from dominion the concept of right and wrong no longer applies. An event just is, until we tell ourselves a story about it, then our story creates our experience.

When I look back at my childhood some of the most ‘abusive’ events produced some of my most profound insights later in life. Once I used those events to deepen my connection to my spirit they became incredible gifts. Had I continued to tell myself the story that I was victimized and emotionally wounded I would have missed the gifts. If I chose to focus on suffering instead of expanding my awareness I would be a very different person today.

So it comes down to a simple choice: What do I want to create? Do I want to hold onto my story and be right? Do I want to deepen my connection to my spirit? Do I want to continue to experience what I am not, fear or experience myself as I really am, a limitless being of love and light?

Here is an excerpt from my book, The Toltec Way about dominion and domination that might help:

The Concept of Domination

I think you’ll agree that our society is based on the concept of domination, in which we seem always to be in opposition to something. Domination requires that someone is better than you or inferior to you, that events or actions are right or wrong, and people are richer or poorer. It is almost impossible to feel safe or to relax when the world is your opponent. This paradigm pervades society and contaminates most of our thinking, leading us to a limited concept of reality.

Whenever you judge yourself or someone else, or you find yourself comparing yourself with others, or in some way measuring anything in your life against an external source, your thinking is based on domination. In domination we don’t feel safe so we try to control the events in our lives, other people, or ourselves. Domination causes us to make our decisions based in fear. The best result we get when our decisions are based in fear is to generate more fear.

A society based on domination creates some very limiting beliefs about conformity and about shame. There is no room to embrace pain or limitations; you must overcome them; you must win. The very nature of domination requires us to struggle.

Living in a world founded on conflict, we feed ourselves a daily diet of insecurity. If you are honest with yourself, you’ll admit that you sometimes compare yourself to others, or even the media version of who and what you should be. You are better than or less than, you do not have enough or are not successful enough, you are too fat or too thin. You feel pressured to conform. This type of thinking is very narrow and polarized. Domination can be symbolically represented as a line.

The Concept of Dominion

If, instead, we shift to a paradigm of dominion, our vision of life becomes expansive. In dominion, everyone is part of a greater whole, everyone is an equal and integral part of the circle of life. We are no longer residing in an either/or situation; the whole and the person become one. A person truly living in dominion cannot make a choice that will harm another. Rather than being fear-based, dominion is based in love, unconditional love for the self and all other beings great and small.

Within the context of dominion, the people in our lives become our assistants instead of opponents. The idea of competition no longer makes sense nor does it have any value. It is a totally different way of viewing the world, one in which peace of mind becomes a way of life. Viewed from this perspective, life becomes limitless. We can afford the “luxury” of treating everyone and everything with compassion, love, and equality. We are able to embrace everything in our lives because we no longer need to struggle against anything–we are accepting of who we are as we are. A person is honored for merely being alive; no one is ever judged. This kind of thinking is expansive. Dominion can be symbolically represented as a sphere.

We aren’t trained to think in terms of dominion, so the concept seems frightening to many people. How do you live in a world based on domination and yet get your needs met if you remain in dominion? Won’t people just walk all over you? Well, sure, perhaps some will. However, I believe that for the most part, we receive what we give. When we are loving and non-judgmental, we are treated in a loving, non-judgmental way.

Finally, when we perceive our lives as lived in dominion, the process of our personal transformation takes on a sense of gentleness and safety. As you work through the Toltec Masteries you will learn who you really are and to love that person unconditionally. This will be extremely difficult if you remain in a judgmental state of domination.

So is abuse okay? I choose to look at it as an event that is neither right or wrong. It is an event in which two spirits come together and do a cosmic dance. They both take part in a cosmic play and they both get to write their own ending.

So what endings do you want to write to all of your cosmic plays?

With love and aloha,
Susan

This morning I was sitting at my desk writing as the sun was rising. My room in Lithuania has a beautiful view of the sunrise. When I finish working here, I will fly to Vermont to pick up my father and bring him back to Hawaii with me.

In Hawaii there is a word for trauma and drama that I love,  it is pilikia. When I get home there could be much pilikia. My dad’s Alzheimer is progressing and he has always been an angry man. As I was writing I thought about the world as an energy system and I know the only thing that is real is that energy of creation, I think of it as love. Not human, conditional love but rather love that is the essence of incredibly beautiful, limitless, expansive energy of pure creation.

So, I thought about my dad and realized that once I let go of the story, which is after all what creates the pilikia, I can simply experience the energy of creation. In the midst of anger and domination I can experience love and dominion just by allowing it to be so. What a wonderful opportunity for me to practice!

When you watch the news and hear a doom and gloom story about the economy you could remind yourself only the love is real or get caught up in the fear. The universe is totally, absolutely abundant, there is no scarcity. Actually in the 1930′s during the height of a world wide depression, there were more millionaires made than in any other time in history and only 75% of the population was unaffected! Whatever we focus on we get more of, so the question is: do you want to focus on your limitless nature or on fear? Do you want to focus on abundance and create that or fear and create lack?

I know my dad is a limitless spirit, at the essence of his being he is unconditional love and we have ‘history.’ I remember how scary he was when I was a young child and he would go into a rage, I remember what it felt like a few years ago when he told everyone I abused him and stole his money and I know when I put him in a care facility he will once again ‘hate’ me and think I am evil. The question is: what do I want to experience, love or fear? I can choose to see only love, even in the presence of his anger.

Every moment in life is an opportunity for us to practice deepening our connect with our spirit or with our filter system. We always have that choice, it is just that by habit, we often choose to see only our story and forget the love that gives the story the illusion of being reality.

So moment by moment ask yourself: What do I want to create? What do I want to see, love or fear? Do I want to be right and reaffirm my story or be happy and connect with my spirit?

With love and aloha,
Susan

The quality of our lives is often dictated by the type of questions we ask ourselves. If we ask ourselves why something happened to us we often feel like a victim. If instead we ask ourselves what we want and how can we make a difference we empower ourselves to create what we want.

A great exercise is to pay attention to the questions you ask internally. Notice, expand your awareness of your inner dialog so you can change it.

Some of the most useful questions I have found are:

How else can I see this?

What would love do or Jesus or Buddha or the Virgin Mary?

How can I see the perfection in this?

What do I want to create right now?

What is the gift in this situation?

Here is a video I just made. I hope you enjoy it and if you like it, please pass it on to your friends.

With love and aloha,
Susan

How many times in your life have you felt betrayed or let down by other people, yourself, or society as a whole? When we feel betrayed the emotions it evokes are so primal, they seem to go to the very core of our being. Toltec wisdom reminds us to use our emotions as guideposts to personal freedom. Once we learn to view betrayal differently that feeling can become a gateway toward greater intimacy and a deeper connection to ourselves.

We all know what betrayal feels like but what is it really? The word comes from an old French verb that means to hand over or deliver up. The dictionary defines it as treachery, the disappointment of ones hopes and expectations, or to reveal, disclose, show, or exhibit.

I have found that betrayal can serve two very useful functions in my life that have very little to do with blaming the other person. They both have to do with me; my feelings of betrayal reveal my ability to communicate clearly and my willingness to take responsibility without blaming or judging myself or the other person.

Using any emotion in our life as our ticket to freedom first involves a willingness on our part to see things differently. When I look at betrayal I can focus my attention on what I perceive as treachery or look at my own expectations. Whenever I have an expectation I am setting myself up to be disappointed, especially if my expectations are not clearly negotiated.

Many of us have had the unrealistic expectation that people will treat us differently. They might lie to everyone else but they will tell us the truth. They will cheat on their former lover but they will be faithful to us. They will gossip about other people but they will keep our secrets and when they don’t treat us differently we feel betrayed. People are consistent unless they are actively working on changing a behavior.

Many of the disappointments in our lives are based on unspoken expectations. When I honestly looked at my past relationships I realize that I expected people to behave according to my internal rules and regulations. I never really took the time to find out what their expectations were or to tell them clearly what mine were.

My definition of friendship includes spending time with the other person so I expected that from my friends. One woman I knew consistently said she wanted to be friends but never wanted to spend time together. I would call her and ask her to do something and she would always say no. I often felt disappointed. When I finally talked to her about this I found out she was equally upset by my constant invitations to do things together. She was too busy to spend time with me. Her defintion of friendship did not include spending time together. Once our expectations about friendship were clearly defined it was clear being friends would be impossible unless one of us became willing to change our definition of friendship.

When we negotiate an expectation with another person we also have to realize that people are not always in touch with what is true for them. We may say on thing when we really mean something else. We don’t intentionally lie to one another but our ‘truth’ often changes based upon internal or external circumstances. Does that mean we need to stop trusting everyone? No, but what it does mean is that we don’t try to make another person responsible for our happiness. Frequently, if we have trouble trusting people there is a good chance we have the expectation that people will betray our trust. If we have that expectation we will often choose to trust people who aren’t trustworthy. As we look at our expectations we learn to trust our own inner knowing above all else. We use past disappointments as a reminder to listen to our own inner voice.

I have found that if I base my happiness on another person I eventually feel let down or betrayed. Ultimately I am the only person responsible for my happiness. If I expect my friends, lovers, or the world as a whole to ‘make me’ happy I doom myself to a life filled with disappointments. If on the other hand I realize I am in charge of my happiness I can be happy regardless of the events in my life. Focusing on the feeling of betrayal prevents me from looking at the role my beliefs and expectations play in the creation of my happiness.

Unspoken expectations cause so many misunderstandings and conflict in relationships. Until they are spoken they can’t be resolved either. If I start feeling disappointed, let down or betrayed it is time for me to take a long, hard look at my expectations. Instead of focusing on the emotions I’m feeling I find it more productive to ask myself what I wanted from the person or situation.

I find writing a very powerful tool for inner exploration. I start by writing a letter to the person with absolutely no intention of ever sending it. I start out by fully expressing my emotions. I write about my anger, sadness, fear, and disappointment. After I clear out my emotions I take a few moments to get centered. I take a few deep breaths and allow myself to get quiet. Then I ask myself the following the questions: What did I want from the person or situation? Are those desires realistic? What were my expectations? Are they something I need to give to myself? Do I need to communicate my expectations? If so, to whom do I need to communicate them? And am I willing to do that?

In intimate relationships and close friendships it is often harder for me to see my expectations. Frequently I would rather be right than be happy. It is easier for me to see that I was upset with an acquaintance because I expected her to communicate her request in a more thoughtful manner but when a lover isn’t thoughtful it is harder to admit that my expectations were the cause of my upset. Do I ignore my feelings? No. Can I communicate my upset? Absolutely, but blaming someone else for how I feel doesn’t change much. If I admit my feelings are my own, clearly communicate my expectations, and then listen to what the other person expects and needs we both will know one another a little bit better. By becoming aware of our expectations and expressing them we have a much greater chance of allowing the relationship to become more intimate and we are both freer to be ourselves. I can make my decisions based on what I want while taking into account what the other person wants and needs as well.

My expectations stop me from experiencing life as it is and instead I experience what I expect. In order to experience each moment of my life fully I must be myself – without judgments, without expectations, and without fear. Knowing that I can change my experience of life by changing my expectations makes it easier to release my judgments, expectations, and fears.

If I stop focusing my attention on what happened and instead focus my attention on what I can change – myself and my reactions – life can become one magical experience after another. Even the most profound betrayal can be an opportunity for me to deepen my connection with myself. I can understand my expectations, see how they affect my choices, and choose anew. As I looked within I learned to listen to my inner voice, to trust myself, and to clearly negotiate my expectations.

Betrayal can be my greatest guide; it will lead me to my expectations every time. And if I’m willing to change my expectations I can be happy no matter what is going on in my life.

With love and aloha,
Susan

My neighbors dog has decided killing chickens is a great sport. The other morning I witnessed her kill a chicken right in front of me. My dog Ginger has appointed herself the guardian of the flock.

Neither of us could save the chicken’s life and unfortunately Dale has been missing since the beginning of the week. All I have been able to find is a pile of feathers so I assume Dale has changed address and is no longer with us.

Dale enjoyed her life here and her foot had healed quite nicely. I will miss her greeting my car when I drive into the yard. She was part of my family for ten years. We were going to take her back to visit the Vet to show her how nicely her first chicken toe amputation surgery had healed. Dale had the funniest walk, it was half hop and half wobbly run. Her chest was rather flat so it made her look wider than she was, combine that with her hippity hoppity walk she always made us laugh and brought a smile to my heart.

I have a few of Dale’s feather’s on my altar and many warm memories in my heart. Tomorrow I will put one of her feathers on the other chicken’s grave. We called the other chicken ‘The Pecker’ because she would come to the door and peck at the screen door until she got fed.

To me their deaths are another opportunity for me to see the perfection in everything. I have shed many tears and had moments of wanting to kill the dog but I keep reminding myself about the concept of pono, love and forgiveness. The ‘killer dog’ used to bark almost all day long. When I showed the woman my dead chicken she apologized and said she might get rid of the dog. I haven’t heard any barking since. Maybe killer dog has moved on as well. This weekend I plan on going over and talking to the neighbors to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.

Life is and then we tell ourselves a story. I choose to focus on the joy these feathered friends brought me and allow myself to miss them while I watch my month old baby chicks grow by leaps and bounds. Death is after all part of life and I have found death can actually make the gift of life even sweeter.

As I was feeding the babies today I thought about the fact that all of my pets are only here for a limited amount of time and I can savor each moment or dread loosing them. I prefer savoring all my precious moments with them and in the case of Dale my memories and all the wonderful gifts knowing her has brought me.

With love and aloha,
Susan

I used to think my experience of life was related to what was happening externally. That belief often left me feeling like a victim. It was all about what they did or what happened out there. When I graduated from college the economy was tanking so I couldn’t get a job. At the time I never associated my inability to get a job with my attitude or my beliefs. It was definitely the economy’s fault.

Then I read Jane Roberts book The Nature of Personal Reality. The idea that we create our own reality certainly changed my life. At first I used the idea that I was the creator of my reality as an excuse to beat myself up emotionally. Over the years I have watched lots of people do the same thing. I was so steeped in victim mentality that I could use almost anything to feel victimized including information that was about self-empowerment!

When I talk to people that are new to the concept of conscious creation I invariably get the question, “What about children or victims of a horrible crime?” As long as we view the world from the perspective of domination we will remain immersed in the belief of victimization.

From the perspective of our spirit there are no victims, there is no right or wrong there is just what is. And “what is” presents us with the perfect opportunity to see and release our limiting filter system or strengthen our beliefs. Beliefs are all based on the assumption that our perspective of reality is the truth. It took me a long time to be comfortable with the idea that there is no “the truth” that the truth is all relative.

The other day I heard a wonderful explanation of a car accident. When we get in our car we can take a few moments, get centered and visualize ourselves arriving safely at our destination or we can just get in the car and drive. A car accident occurs when two or more cars arrive in the same place with drivers that haven’t consciously decided to arrive safely, so they come together and make a loud noise.

There is nothing wrong with a car accident. It is an event that occurs when we haven’t chosen something else consciously. The key word being consciously. I look at some of the events in my childhood and they are consistent with my desire to understand life from a more spiritual perspective. My spirit chose my childhood because it provided me with the opportunities most likely to assist me in seeing and releasing my limiting beliefs. Especially my belief that I was separate from my spirit, others and God.

When I look at life from the perspective of dominion events take on an entirely differently meaning. In dominion I can see the perfection of everything. The Hawaiian concept that everything is pono (perfect) until I tell myself otherwise takes on new meaning. When I see the perfection I am also able to see how my beliefs cause my feelings of separation which are the real cause of my discomfort. When I feel the interdependence of all of life my choices are far different and they are based in love. When I believe I am separate my choices are often judgmental and fear based.

Fear gives us the ability to hurt one another while love allows us to have compassion, acceptance and joy. I certainly prefer the world that love builds and beside love just feels better. So for today I choose love.

With love and aloha,
Susan

Want help releasing your limiting beliefs?

Aloha everyone,

I have been surfing the web a lot lately and have run across quite a few blogs talking about the pros and cons of abortion. I think abortion is one of those highly charged emotional issues that invite polarization. I have never quite understood how people can be pro life yet have such anger and hatred for people who choose to exercise their choice.

Years ago one of my students got pregnant and decided to terminate her pregnancy. I went with her and sat with her as she mourned the death of her child. She always assumed I thought she should end the pregnancy. I never shared my opinion with her because it was her choice. I would have loved to have held her child and had the opportunity to welcome her into this world.

I know in my heart of hearts that if that child was really meant to be born she would have been. I have known people who lived even though their mother’s tried to abort them. I often talk about the concept that everything is perfect and that there are no mistakes just choices and outcomes. As my Hawaiian teacher says, “Everything is pono, until we tell ourselves otherwise.”

All of life is a choice. Everything that is in our life is there because we have invited it. If something isn’t in our life it isn’t there because we haven’t invited it yet. Moment by moment we have the opportunity to choose love or fear. I have seen people who call themselves Christians picket abortion clinics and angrily judge the women going into the clinics. I have wondered how someone can claim to be a Christian yet not follow Christ’s most fundamental teachings of unconditional love, acceptance and not judging others.

Personally, I could never abort a child and I think that is a choice every woman has the right to make for themselves. I also know that when I have a strong emotional reaction to some external event my emotions are triggered by my filter system. The stronger the reaction the more limiting that part of my filter system is, so the greater the freedom is once I release it.

It sure would be nice if instead of projecting our emotions on out there we would use that energy to go within and free ourselves. If more of us deepened our connection to our spirit the world would certainly be a much more loving place.

With love and aloha,
Susan

Aloha everyone,

On a lighter note a friend of mine e-mailed me this poem. I had always loved the poem Footprints in the Sand and I had a good laugh when I read this parody. It was a great reminder that life does give us the choice to change. We can make the conscious choice to change or create a variety events that strongly invite us to change. Hope you enjoy the poem and keep your butt out of the sand.

One night I had a wondrous dream,
A set of prints on the sand was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
Yet mine were not along the shore.

But then a stranger print appeared.
I asked the Lord, “What have we here?
This print is large and round and neat,
But Lord, it’s just too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,

“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to seek My face,
Take up your cross and walk in grace.”

“You disobeyed, you would not grow.
You would not stand against the flow.
Your neck was stiff, your ears were shut,
So there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life there comes a time,
When one must fight, when one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave one’s butt-prints in the sand.”

-Anonymous

With love and a big smile,
Susan