Late one night I was sitting at a gate in Seattle waiting for my flight. A young boy sat a short distance away sobbing. His parents were very upset and yelling at him. His mother was telling him how selfish and self-centered he was. Periodically the father would angrily add to the discussion. The boy’s sister sat and watched smiling smugly. The boy was unable to catch his breath he was crying so hard. Several people moved away obviously uncomfortable about the exchange.
The young boy kept trying to defend himself and his mother continued to tell him how wrong he was. I felt powerless as I watched the drama unfolding before me. I wanted to run over and say to them, “Stop! Don’t you realize what you’re doing to your son?” The young boy’s sobs continued to deepen and his whole body trembled. After a few more futile attempts to communicate his feelings his eyes stopped focusing on his parents, his body was present but you could tell he was no longer listening.
As a young girl I too had cried as I listened to my mother yelling at me about being so selfish. I never quite understood what she was talking about. I tried so hard to please her yet I always seemed to fail so miserably. Eventually I stopped crying and became defiant. It was safer to be angry than it was to be sad. Long before that I had stopped feeling lovable. By then I knew there was something inherently wrong with me, how else could I fail to make my mother and everyone else in my life happy. But deep down inside of me there was a little voice I seldom heard that said, “What about me?”
As I watched that young boy I realized I was witnessing the creation of that part of him that would always feel unlovable. With each word and gesture his parents were reinforcing the beliefs that, no matter what he would never do anything right and that he was unlovable. As he retreated further and further into his mind’s chatter I could only imagine what decisions he was making, ones that would affect his ability to feel loved, to love others, to be intimate, and to experience freedom, joy, and happiness.
It is in those darkest hours when we feel so alone, when we have to face the end of a relationship or the death of someone dear to us that we need to feel loved and that is also often a time we feel most unlovable. Recently I realized a good portion of my life I had been unlovable. I wasn’t unlovable because there was something wrong with me. I was unlovable because I had walled myself off from love, no one could love me because I couldn’t and wouldn’t let love in. Love was just too scary and painful.
That realization was incredibly freeing for me. There wasn’t something wrong with me after all. Feeling unlovable was an accurate description that had nothing to do with me being a valid, worthwhile human being. Feeling unlovable simply meant that I was unable or unwilling to allow myself to feel loved at that moment.
Intimacy is such a funny thing. As a species we seem to crave it while at the same time doing everything possible to avoid being vulnerable enough to experience intimacy. I think of intimacy as “into me see.” If I feel defective or unlovable I am certainly going to protect myself. I am not going to willingly allow you to get to know the real me.
Chances are, if I feel unlovable, I don’t know the real me either. I am not going to let myself know what I’m feeling or what I want or need. I am going to find some way to numb myself out – to avoid intimacy with myself as well as you. I may even try to please you in order to get you to like me instead of focusing on my own wants and needs.
When my flight arrived in Anchorage I saw that little boy struggling to get his parent’s bags off the carousel. By now it was well after three in the morning and there was this little boy trying to get mom and dad to love him. Do you remember what it feels like to try to get someone to like you? Have you ever given up part of yourself to try and save a relationship?
I believe that as human beings we need to feel loved or lovable. We all learn to express that need differently. Some of us become demanding and try to control other people’s behaviors, others become whinny, some become like a bottomless pit, always needy. We can cover up that need with anger or indifference; we can hurt one another or even kill one another. To hide that need we can use something such as an addiction or simply wither up and die inside. Unless we face that need directly we actually cut ourselves off from the very thing we so desperately seek.
As I watched that young boy I realized the reason I had felt unlovable all those years was because I was . I was unable to be loved, accept love, or even love myself. Those decisions I had made long ago as a little girl had trapped me in a prison – as a young girl I wasn’t able to realize that I had an endless well of love within my heart; that no matter what others were saying I could use a gentle inner voice to remind me that I was perfect just the way I was.
As a child I was told sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me. In my life that hasn’t been the case – no one has thrown stones at me but I have heard many unkind words. Those words lose their sting when I learn to be loving toward myself. I am lovable when I am able to love myself.
Freeing myself from the echoes of all the old wounds is a process of learning to be my own best friend. I must learn to listen to myself and make sure all of my internal commentary is nonjudgmental, loving and kind. I need to become aware again of my wants and needs.
Part of me wanted to go over to that little boy, hold him in my arms, and tell him how wonderful he was. I wanted him to know that he was loved and very lovable. I wanted to ask his parents what they wanted to create in that moment. I am sure they loved their son. I’m fairly certain they had no idea how deeply they were hurting their son. They simply wanted him to modify his behavior.
When I think of all the wisdom I dismissed as a child because of miscommunications. My mom wanted to help me avoid some of the pitfalls she had encountered in her life. All I could hear was I was doing it wrong one more time or my mother’s way was the only right way. I wasn’t able to feel her love no less internalize and use the wisdom of her years.
I have learned to go inside and see what I am telling myself whenever I am reacting to someone else’s words. When I need to defend myself or in some way feel judged or devalued I am the one creating those feelings. If I feel unloved today I know it is because I am unavailable to being loved. If I am feeling judged I am the one doing the judging. No one can affect the way I am feeling unless I agree with what they are saying. What freedom, today I can chose how I feel regardless of what is going on around me.
Next time you feel like arguing with someone remind yourself that their opinion doesn’t count unless you let it. Let the other person have their opinion, after all it in no way diminishes yours unless you allow it to. Words can only hurt us if we agree with them.
A wonderful exercise is to carry around a small notebook and whenever you are feeling judged or ‘unloved’ to a few minutes to write down your inner dialog. What are you telling yourself? We swim in a sea of unconditional love yet we have the ability to feel unloved. Noticing how we do that is incredibly freeing and transformational.
With love and aloha,
Susan
I only came in to drop on your entrecard, but just had to read this right through!
I felt so sad for that little boy, I have seen so many similar scenes through the years, and I have so wanted to give them a hug also.
Some parents best just isn’t good enough. There are so many walking wounded to prove this sad fact.
Glad you stopped by and read my post.
It was quite a journey for me but I realized the gift in being a ‘walking wounded’ was changing my beliefs so I could feel the unconditional love of the universe.
Now I get to help other people do the same thing in their lives. What an incredible gift that is!!
Events like that early in my life led me to my life’s work. In hindsight I realize I could have had Mother Mary and Buddha as my mother and father and I would have still felt unloved.
As I changed my filter system I learned I could feel loved no matter what is happening around me.
I think this beautiful earth planet is an opportunity for us to deepen our connection to our spirit and then share love.
Those parents hollering at their son need our love just as much as that young boy. Our choice is always love or fear. The more often we choose love the less fear there is in the world.
Words do have power, even our unspoken ones. I often tell my students – YOU ARE LOVE, YOU ARE LOVED and YOU ARE LOVABLE.
You are very lovable Samsaras – you got 4 awards!!!!!!!!!
great read 9 years later and still relevant
Guess love is always relevant. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Sending you lots of love,
Susan
Hi, I’m not sure if I am allowed to ask general questions about the text but I have been wondering lately if I should avoid certain situation that I react to emotionally while I am working on my journals.
Its like I keep going back and forth between reacting with fear and reacting with objectivity, especially on internet message boards etc.. I hate losing control and when I do I beat myself up even though I know I dont have to. I know I should test myself so I can write down my thought processes but situations like the internet where you can end up being drawn to give your opinion on serious matters more than real life.
P.S: I love your book and I have really had a totally different year from usual from assesing my thoughts
Hi Samantha,
I give free reign to all of my emotions in my journals. I really let it rip with the intent of seeing my filter system. After all it is my internal dialog that is creating the emotions in the first place.
I learned early with the internet, I must admit the hard way to never hit the send button when I was reacting to anyone’s words. I hit send prematurely a few times and it certainly didn’t feel good after I cooled down. I made it a non-negotiable rule to never react on the net.
You might write your reactions in your journal and wait at least a day to respond on the internet.
Just my opinion but, no matter what you do or don’t do always be gentle and loving with yourself.
With love and aloha,
Susan
Thank you for responding and that is a great suggestion and will help me record reactions in my journal also,
Love and light 🙂
Samantha x
well, a great analysis. I really enjoyed and felt it!! Maybe it was very similar to my story…
Nowadays, I can love the others, but I cannot suppose anyone to love me back; maybe it is some sort of shyness. Whatever it is, I become more lonely deep inside while usually try to pretend as an independent girl… Actually, I used this facade(in dependency) to hide my weaknesses… and the most painful problem to me is that I cannot request for love and attention, because all my life I thought I’m not capable of being loved. Recently I deeply need to be loved and each time I try to have it maybe I become a bottomless pit cause I made him run away 😉
Anyway, I just wanted to say that that was a great post.. Thank you
Focusing on really loving ourselves makes such an incredible difference especially when we love ourselves just the way we are. Remembering we are perfect just as we are and we can still decide we want to change a bit. Changes made from love are far more effective than trying to change from a place of judgment.
At the end of my guided meditations I will often say, “You are love, your loved and you are lovable.”
With love and aloha,
Susan
Thank you dear Dr.Susan, I love your answer :*
Wow. I googled how to feel loved and clicked on this. As a seventeenyear old girl who has lost every close friendship (even one of ten years) to boyfriends the feeling of being unlovable is not new to me. What is new is that its the feeling of unlovablility which is why i get depressed.
I block everyone out. Even though i get straight A’s in honors classes, have friends, and keep active I’m not happy. I just have been blocking out my real emotions since i lost my friend of ten years to a boy who made fun of me (2yrs) How do you unsilence that voice after soooo long?
The first thought comes and then we have a choice, to continue with that train of thought or not. I find it very useful to observe my thoughts with neutrality and then ask myself what I want to create.
If you want to feel loved and happy switch to thoughts that create happiness and joy. Notice the old, judgmental thought, acknowledge it and what it creates within you and then consciously choose to say something loving and kind. After a bit of practice your first thought becomes loving and kind.
With love and aloha,
Susan
thank you for that!!, touched me and gave me that uplifting that i needed i felt were u were coming from…..thanks!!
I am very glad Priscilla….as the song says all we need is love. Of course first from ourselves and then from others. We do after all swim in a sea of unconditional love sometimes we forget that.
Sending lots of love,
Susan
i need more affirmations and positive scripts for feeling lovable.
I started with “I see you, I accept you and I love you” Some days the best I could do was “I see you, I accept you and I am learning to love you.”
With love, Susan
Your article really spoke to me. I’ve come to realize why I’ve drawn such unhealthy relationships to myself. I have never felt loved. My mother felt the need to tell me that she was devastated when she found out she was pregnant with me. She seemed constantly angry and annoyed with me. I was sexually abused by my oldest brother and was repeated traumatized by my mother’s screaming matches with my older siblings whenever they would plan to go out on a date with someone. All these things have had an intense effect on my spirit and my choices. I feel I deserve to be loved and I treat myself with great care…I have a great home, job, health. But when even think of bringing a loving relationship into my life I freeze with panic and fear. I’ve always felt I wasn’t “allowed” to be loved or else I would get punished. This has gone on for decades. The men I’ve drawn to me quickly become unavailable and emotionally abusive. I’ve only recently become aware of this pattern and would love to know how to heal it and move on. Thanks for caring.
Hi Mary Lynn,
Everything is an opportunity for us to choose love. Learning to love yourself is such a gift. Once we really love ourselves everything else falls into place. And learning to love ourselves is a choice we make moment by moment. It is a wonderful practice to just say I love you to yourself over and over again until you feel it in every cell of your body! It takes practice but what benefits it reaps! Just practice saying I love you to yourself in the mirror everyday and mean it.
With love, Susan
Madam;
i need your help,how i can feel lovable,wanted and worthy of true love.
and how to delete negative words from other people,and feel and believe in being lovable.
please help.
saima
Just practice saying I love you to yourself in the mirror everyday and mean it. Think of something you love and then project that love toward yourself. Love love love. Allow love to erase the illusion that anything but love is real.
With love, Susan
And then there are those of us who have no idea what love feels like. You are describing green and I am as if blind. What does love feel like? How do you know when you are feeling love?
You must have enjoyed something at some point in your life …. a sunrise, sunset, a hot fudge Sundae, a beautiful rose … what did that feel like, taste like, smell like. Now expand it, expand it again and expand it some more and that is what love feels like.
With love,
Susan
I don’t believe in love. My father passed when I was little and I was told by my mother that it was my fault. Grant it, I didn’t kill my father but according to my mother by behaviors as a child, teenager caused him to have a heart attack. Okay I know that isn’t possible but that’s a statement the people don’t bounce back from well. I married young to get away from my mom and divorced him shortly after – of course I managed to have a child in the process. My mother swooped in and undermined everything I did. Making my daughter always see her way was better than mine. By the time I was 30 and my daughter was 10- my mother had convinced her of all of my flaws. I remarried- realized my spouse was cheating on me right after I had my second child- my mind was destroyed. Here I had now been rejected again. Love doesn’t exist- you spout wonderful thoughts but it doesn’t make it believable. Life isn’t kittens and roses- it’s hateful people that hurt and make people sad. I don’t blame myself for my father of my husbands unfaithfulness but I believe 100% that people are unloveable.
I am sorry you have experienced so much pain in your life. When I began my journey I didn’t believe in love either but then I decided to learn how to love myself. Once I really loved me, once i took care of my needs and wants (and that took a lot of practice) my entire life changed.
I used to live in a world full of darkness but now there is love and laughter most of the time. There are lots of wonderful books and people out there that can help you heal your life.
With love and aloha,
Susan
What was your first “aha” moment when you realized the key to loving and feeling loved was self-love and what brought it on? Was there a particular book or did someone say something profound to you? I ask because I am in love with someone who continues to push me away because he feels unworthy of my love and convinces himself it couldn’t be possible that I love him or because he feels he cannot fall in love with another. He had a similar childhood as you described and he wants to love and be loved. I would to know some ways I can help him to gain self-love because talking him I love him and he is lovable is not working. Thank you!! I did also send him a link to this article as well as copied and pasted it so he’d be more likely to read it but I don’t know if he brought himself to read it or not. Thanks again!!
Aloha Jen,
Loving yourself is the basis of a wonderful life. If we don’t love yourself first very little else works or matters. Doing the mirror exercise was changing point for me. Looking into your eyes in the mirror, really looking at yourself and saying I love you. Daily.
As I read your message I have two thoughts. Unless your friend wants to love himself there is nothing you can do. You can’t do it for him. My second thought is if you really loved yourself you would find someone who loves you as much as you love yourself. I have the feeling walking away for you wouldn’t feel good but you deserve someone who is able to love themselves.
With love and aloha, Susan
Hi, Is there any chance I can message/email privately? I happened apon your blog/site randomly and it rang a few bells with me (maybe that’s a uk saying)
Thank you for reading my message and more so for putting your words out there.
Appreciated so much, blessed be, Bex. Xxx
Aloha Bex,
If you’d like to message privately all you have to do is use the contact form on my web site. Glad you happened upon my blog and it rang a few bells for you.
With aloha, Susan
This whole article really addressed one of the biggest issues I have become aware of within myself. I never realized how petrified I was with love. The feeling of being vulnerable, and believing that I will inevitably be hurts made the idea of connecting and intimacy absolutely unthinkable. It’s amazing how I always think being lovable is conditional. It used to always be that if I lost weight, then I’d be worthy of love… But then I lost weight and I still didn’t think I was worthy… I was just making excuses to keep men at a distance. I mean, let’s be honest, being 20 pounds thinner isn’t going to make me more lovable. I will be more lovable by loving myself and sending that clear message out to the world. I will definitely work on that mirror exercise until I can confidently give myself the unconditional love I have been craving for so long.
Hi Jen,
It all begins with us. As we learn to love and accept ourselves the world reflects that as well. Once we learn to love ourselves we never have to worry about being abandoned again.
I am so glad you found this article and it helped.
With love, Susan
Hey Susan,
Thank you for the great article. I just started the self-loving journey. I am struggling with the idea that everybody is lovable because of our ‘intrinsic self worth’. What is the intrinsic value of everyone? What is ‘myself’ without all the things that defines me, e.g. age, gender, career, hobbies, and relationships? Without knowing who I am, I don’t know what exactly to love.
Beyond all that external stuff there is a beautiful being of love and light and laughter. Once we tap into that I love is all there is. And as we learn to connect with our essence the choices of what we do become easier and easier to love. Love all of you. And if you need any help feel free to contact me.
With love,
Susan