By Christine Arylo
When I first met my now husband Noah, who I affectionately refer to as “Walking Love” for his great ability to give love fully and freely, my “love quotient” – which is one’s capacity for receiving love – was about the size of a pea. While deep inside I knew I desired deep intimacy and connection, my heart had learned a lesson that unfortunately many of us receive early in life and then go on to repeat relationships that reinforce it:
Opening your heart is not safe.
Which meant that although I had finally met a man who in many ways matched what I had been praying for, I was unable to let in the love he had to offer. At one level, I was elated that I had found a potential partner who I didn’t have to beg or wish would be loving, kind and supportive, like I had in former relationships. But at a deeper level, I was blocked.
I wanted to eat up the love that I had longed for, but when Noah would shower me with affection, adoration and appreciation, instead of my heart opening to bask in feelings of joy and pleasure, my heart contracted and closed. It was like being at the best buffet in the world and having a stomach the size of a pea that could only consume, well, a few peas.