For years I was a loner. I didn’t believe in depending on anyone or anything. I thought I could figure life out by myself and I spent many years trying to do just that.
But at one point it dawned on me that every single unhappy day I stumbled through was almost identical to the previous one. And on that day I decided it was time to really change my life—to finally see if I could figure out if ending the pain and suffering was possible and how to do it.
At first I read books on spirituality and applied myself sort of randomly to the task of finding joy and peace. I would spend a little time thinking about how great it would be to have a better life and I’d be excited about it for a while. But then my excitement would wane and I’d find myself back where I started: depressed and nowhere closer to my spiritual goals.
Even though I felt I really wanted it, pursuing a spiritual life by myself was hard. In fact, it turned out to be impossible. I couldn’t stay focused and disciplined and it meant I didn’t make any real progress. My choice to go it alone didn’t work very well at all.
Over time I did make some small progress and life started improving slowly as my spiritual journey became an important part of my life, but it was taking forever and that too was a reason for me to feel depressed about it all.
The real turning point was the moment when one of my first teachers pointed out that, “…it’s hard to return to being one when you are doing it alone.” The way she said it made me laugh and I got it.
Community Paves the Way
Have you ever wondered why so many religions and spiritual traditions have a community aspect to them? When we come together as a group, our energy multiplies and empowers us. It becomes much easier to connect with the divine.
Ultimately becoming one with your essence is about learning who you are and it’s a journey only you can take. The strange thing is, being surrounded by a supportive group and having the assistance of a loving guide makes your solitary journey so much easier. In fact, in some ways, it’s the one thing that can make it possible at all.
Our limiting beliefs are invisible because our beliefs form our version of reality. It’s the old story of the fish who doesn’t realize it lives in water.
When I first started studying with Don Miguel the classes were taught in Spanish. I didn’t speak Spanish, but I knew that this group was where I belonged. It may sound strange, but even though I couldn’t understand the language my life began to change.
The energy of the group enfolded me and helped me feel safe enough to embrace change. It helped me feel confident in taking my next solitary steps on my journey because I knew I had the group to support me if anything went wrong or just didn’t work like I expected.
Eventually, the group became a very, very powerful part of my journey and ultimately helped me achieve my transformation from depressed and unhappy to grateful and thrilled to be alive. Yes, I still had to do it by myself and yes there were always painful and challenging days, but with the group I was no longer alone when I was by myself, if that makes sense. 🙂
Your Filter System is Invisible—To You
I call our belief structure our filter system for a reason. Our beliefs, agreements, assumptions and attitudes filter and distort our experience of reality. We never see reality. What we see is our filter system and we call it reality.
Personal freedom arrives in our lives only when we release our filter system, but seeing our own filter system is almost impossible when we try to do it alone. It’s a lot easier for us to see someone else’s filter system though, and that’s why we are part of a group.
Together, as a group we can see and help each other in ways that are far more powerful than anything we could do alone. We all help each other to see what we can’t see on our own, namely, our filter system and the ways it hides from our view.
Of course, the group also supports you when you forget your goals and wonder where to turn. And we also have the opportunity to support our fellow classmates. In fact, this is an important part of the experience. When someone else needs support, a funny thing happens. As we reach out and help others, there are lessons that we would never have learned had we been sitting in our rooms, alone and unneeded.
So, whether you work with me and our lovely group who get together on the phone every Sunday (as well as online) or another group that’s absolutely perfect for you, I really encourage you to avoid the lone ranger routine. Seek out that group of fellow seekers who will support you on your journey to create a life as wonderful as it can possibly be.
With love and aloha,
Susan
The Question!
P.S. I would love to hear about your experiences of going it alone, or working with a group. Have you tried either, or both? Which worked best for you and why?
I look forward to hearing your thoughts…
Oh how I relate to this blog. Talk about the lone ranger, I think I was the epitomy of that one. I joined your group 😉 and what a difference it has made. Perhaps the biggest one is that I have just begun to realize that I am still the definitive Lone Ranger, only perhaps it is a bit softer now. Long way to go though.
Thank you so much for this post! It really hit home. I, too, have been a loner and have realized that connecting with others is the only way I can really experience Oneness. It makes so much sense, but eluded me. As you said, our filters are invisible to us. I enjoy your teachings very much. Thank you.
I am an artist, and tended to be a loner because it was easier to be “different” by myself than to be “different” among a group of people. My mother introduced me to lots of esoteric books and teachings, so I learned a lot on my own, but learning just wasn’t enough. I wanted to experience learning with others, so in that wonderful way that the universe sends us what we need, I discovered that the Ruiz family was doing a retreat at a time and place that were perfect for me. When I came home from that retreat, i was a completely different person. I was so happy…. if fact, my husband was a little jeaslous until he understood that it wasn’t the retreat that made me happy, it was ME that learned how to make me happy. Since then, I have attended several retreats and seminars with various groups and teachers, and everyone of them seems to help me expoentially. I am connected with the TOCI group in Austin, Texas and every day when i get an email from them, or you, or eckhart tolle, or any other entity, I get a little buzz of energy. thank you, Susan!
Ah – you hit my nail (or was it me?) right on the head! I was shy as a child, then grew up to be a “creative type”, and you know, we need our privacy. My slow coming out has been accompanied by a strong recognition that we absolutely need others, in all parts of our lives. Now as I work with people, I teach them that an essential is to recognize and “formalize” (in some way) their connections to others. Without others – we are so much smaller and less powerful. What a wonderful gift we’ve been given – the people around us. Thank you for the reminder. I don’t know how you manage to talk so directly to me so often, when you are sending broadcast emails, but you sure do it a lot!
Dearest Susan,
I have never met you, but I know that you are a beautiful being because of my very special teacher, Red Earth Woman. I spent more than 30 years attempting to live with integrity and honoring my spiritual beliefs… alone. Growing up as a spiritual young woman in my home was a tremendous challenge, and I was well into adulthood before I found a community that nurtured me.
I found a wonderful group led by Red Earth. She taught me and my sisters in the group how to love unconditionally, starting with myself and then with others. I also learned what it looks like to be responsible for my own energy and “stay in my seat.” As women in the group, we have taken on the task of helping each other re-member who we are and supporting every small success on our path. Red Earth’s passing from our physical lives last Saturday is still settling in my energy as I realize she is more accessible to me than ever. Our group learned of her transformation while we were together to pray for her, and the love and healing present that night was sweet and deep. The vessel created Red Earth and my wonderful women sisters is a sacred support for a life beginning to bloom. They have made all of the difference and I’m sure they will continue to do so.
~ Nise
I’ve never been a loner, however, your post turned the ‘lightbulb’ on for me in a number of ways! For the first time in my life, I ‘felt’ what it must be like for some to attend mass or a service in a church, synagogue, or such other place of worship. I’d had a few bad experiences as a child in a Catholic church and while I believe in a higher power, God, spiritual guidance, I have chosen not to participate in that type of setting because of those experiences. Yet at the same time, I’ve craved a place of worship that would fill a need I feel inside myself. I have been to temple, a congregational church, tried a Catholic church in the town I now live in, but haven’t felt a strong connection, although the closest was in a synagogue. So I continue my search.
Another connection I made was about meditating. When I meditate alone, rarely do I have the same powerful experience as I do when meditating in a group. I attend a class called Yoga Nidra Meditation and what I experience in that group is absolutely incredible. There is a vast difference between the two (alone vs. group)…I go beyond relaxation, I’m in another place altogether. My life has changed since participating in this class, and continues to change – all for the best.
As a teacher I see the power of students working in groups versus working independently (which is sometimes necessary and has its place in the classroom). I try to provide this opportunity as much as possible because I’ve observed both high level achievers, as well as struggling students (both academically and behaviorally) excel. There’s a different energy in the room. Students come in, they know what their responsibilities are, and for the most part get right down to business. The collaboration that takes place and the discussions that arise, are almost always above their usual performance as when working out of a textbook or listening to lectures. They voluntarily share their opinions and thoughts on topics being worked on, they support each other and create a safe environment to open up to the class, and in the case of behavioral issues…they become non-issues.
It was a pleasure reading your post and thank you for helping me make some connections tonight!
I’m so greatfull for these words, full of wisdom. They came in right time of my life. Because the life circumstances have forced me to be allone right now. Only a month ago I was in a group of supporting people, and i know what is it spiritually work in a group. I understand, that beeng allone is the challenge, the test, that I have pass. But I always said, that only in a group you can see yourself and the others in a “different light” and help each other. Allone you can see only one version of your beeng. You have only one “filter system”:)
P.S. I’m verry sorry for my english, but i will hope, that you understand me.
I have always been the shy one in any group situation
So it’s hard for me to think of sharing my personal
Thoughts in a group setting. Not saying its bad just
Scary for me. Any advice for a wallflower who wants to grow?
Thank you kindly for this lovely post.
Michael x
Hi Susan, You have been making my life more beautiful. I read your books, read your daily reflections and listen to your audio books almost every day. Your words give me a lot of inspiration. As a yoga teacher, I know how important working with a positive group and having guidance is. In the process of pursuing inner peace and true happiness that within us is not easy. I had gone through this path alone before and I know how challenging it is. It becomes much easier when there is someone guides you and supports you. I am an fortunate woman who has met many yoga masters, yogis and spiritual teachers and friends. They are blessing my life. You are one of my teachers. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. You are lifting my spirit up and I am doing the same to everyone I encounter in my life. Namaste
What I find helpful about the group is I have a place to safely speak about what is up for me and get accurate reflection back. There is loving support when I need it, I can offer it back to others, or if I need something pointed out it is done in a way that helps.
When I attempt this level of communication alone, I definitely do not get so far. I do tend to do alot myself but I totally rely on what the group has to offer on so many levels. I have realized that being an island can be lonely 🙂 I have been able to change many things in my life by working in this setting, and knowing that when I need it I can email the group for support even if it’s not a class time.
I am very grateful for the opportunity to have this community!
For most of my life I’ve been a loner. At first I did not know why I thought differently than other people. Eventually I stopped resisting ways that did not work for me and sought to find my own way alone. The Four Agreements has been my guide for over a decade. About a year and a half ago I felt myself open; it was time to move beyond myself. Since then I’ve been in, then out, of a relationship (great for intense learning) and have found a supportive group. Oneness is now more than theoretical!
Thank you for the opportunity to put my thoughts about this on paper. I spent my younger years as part of a Christian community – and it was a very safe comforting place be………….not very nurturing, but none the less it felt safe. Over time circumstances meant that I migrated to a different country and therefore lost contact with that community and never seemed to fit into another. I spent nearly 30 years discontented, regularly looking for “something” until I met a wonderful woman who became my sister-in-spirit. We discovered that we were both seekers and embarken on an amazing journey together. What happened then was that as we stumbled someone would appear who would assist us and set us back on track. Over the years we found an joy in life that we didn’t know we had been missing!! The last couple of years have been difficult – the group that we were a part of has folded and my darling friend now has Alzheimers and so we now connect in a totally different place. I am back on a lone path and rely on people like you Susan to give me my daily nurishment!! Being a loner has given me the space to undertake some paths I may not have explored as part of a group, but I am grateful for the connection I have through sites like this. ….I also find that the Spirit world still fulfils my needs and sends people to help me when I ask and for that I feel truly blessed.
Several years ago I took a relationship workshop with Susan.
That experience increased my being deeper.
Certainly part of that was to have her as a mentor and for otherhand to have the support(strenght) of the group through all the proces.
I realized that a group in that inner search is vital, because you really receive many perspectives, approaches, and to perceive their development´s level of everyone. Because any question or any task, multiples the effect in you, since you receive aspects of each one getting to grow you with them. Besides you receive a valious feedback and support.
Hi – thank you Dr. Susan for this and for all your wonderful messages and videos and inspiration – each consistently serves as breath of fresh air for me too, as others have noted above. While of course you are so right about the power and richness of experience and learning that comes from being an active part of a group, I too – like Joana whose note is above – find myself now in circumstances and conditions where that is not available to me either (long story, LOL!) – and consequently, as I see it, the challenge is finding the not-alone in what otherwise would be objectively (and quite accurately, actually) described as “alone”… and the gift of this exploration is in finding that being truly “alone” really is impossible, if ones mind and heart are open enough to see that! Now, understand, I’m not talking about how the flowers and butterflies now literally “talk” to me (though there is something of a significance to their company, which I’m still exploring) – it’s absolutely not like something portrayed in a Disney film! But it does seem to me that there is value to be gleaned in the lessons of finding peace in ones being while “alone” which informs and enriches the “ways” we can be “in the spaces” between us when we’re with others when we do find a group that feels like a fit (hoping that makes sense – sometimes words don’t quite fit, I’m working on that!) Trying another way to say it: when we find a group that “fits” it’s because we’ve done the work of being “alone” – and we can dance in the spaces between us, together, better! So – here’s to dancing 😀 (hang in there Joana! Glad to see your note! By definition – being seen means you’re not alone!) Thanks for seeing all of us, too, Dr. Susan!! Much love – always – Jan
Thank you for this opportunity to think about myself in relation to others. My work has always been about helping others, individually and in groups. On my time I usually retreated into my own space to recover my energy. Now that I’m retired, I find that I’m missing the group experience of sharing and learning together. It’s so powerful and growth is so exponential. How did you know I was in that space? You are a wise soul, Susan, and I always appreciate that when you speak a light switch turns on. Thank you for that! Also, just reading others replies, I get those “ah ha” moments. Much love.
I’ve been enjoying your daily messages for awhile, Susan, and it’s amazing how often the daily thought will spark deep reflection, or pertain to something going on in my life. In fact, your call for comments today is appropriate for me, as I begin to anticipate the workshops I’l be attending this year. I, too, while I was involved in church community for years, felt spiritually “alone in my thoughts,” so to speak. I had only vicarious connection with those whose paths were similar to mine — via books and online media, mostly. Then, about five years ago, I made the choice to physically connect with the Edgar Cayce folks that I’d been following along at a distance for all those years. It took that long for me to realize that I’d benefit from being among the seekers, rather than just observing them. It took courage, but my heart knew that I needed that kind of connection. Now, I’ve happily evolved to participating in the workshops of the Cayce Intuitive Connections programs of Dr Henry Reed, and doing some writing, as well. So I finally felt the energy of kindred souls together, even more than I had in my earlier years of church service. I’m in the process now of integrating what I’m learning on the journey, and ways I can energize others to, as you say, embrace change. It’s a beautiful feeling! Thanks so much for all you do. I finally found your Facebook page, too, and will follow there.
In community may we grow!
This is almost a one liner, so I’ll expand a little. I used to think that when things went bad all I had to do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep on keeping on, but that never brought any change into my beliefs, agreements, and assumptions, nor my behavior that caused the problems I had. I was independent on the outside, but very lonely, and sometimes afraid on the inside until I found a group to share my fears – and my love – with. In fact, I now have two groups who listen when I need an ear, and who seem to enjoy when I share my love with them by listening, too. Sometimes all we need is a little direction, and a mirror to look into, to find our own way. That’s what has helped me. Without my groups, I’d still be repeating the same old patterns. I no longer have to pick myself up because the groups I am a part of are there to help when I need a hand.
Dear Susan,
Thank you for all your insights you’ve shared via email. Your post set me thinking and I’m wondering if I’m a lone practitioner or not… most of my practice is done on my own, but I do it with others. You see I’m a teacher or special children and I use the ideas, beliefs and philosophy you’ve shared with us to inform my teaching, to help me help my charges to see the bigger picture, to allow them to look for their own path rather than just giving in to peer pressure.
Now the bit that makes me wonder about being a lone practitioner is that most don’t know they are still part of my community. Yet the way they learn and develop in turn helps me improve my practice.
So am I a lone practitioner or am I practising in the community? Aren’t all people actually part of the community and is it not just the perception you have of the community?
Thank you.
Timothy
Hello, Susan,
I agree totally with you regarding the importance of a group to be in. But I´m struggling a bit at the moment. I belonged to different groups here in Germany which ceased to exist after few years allways, because of different things. I love the group in Lithuania, but they are too far away to have a constant contact and the time difference holds me from joining your apprentice group..:(
I think I will work a bit with allowing it in my life.. 🙂
Everything swirling in my head comes down to the basics.
I am scared. My history of groups and fitting leaves me feeling isolated.
Bit by bit I understand my stories and want to be free of them all.
Dear Susan, there is a great synchronicity for me here, for I am renewing m’y concept of What is a community. I’ve been on my own a lot when I was younger, then, in a troubled moment I met and joined a buddhist community for 5 years, doing all activities, Being involved in all sorts of meetings,seminaries…it was a great experience, it gave me structure and compassion for others, listening to their experiences, their heart.I realised I was a part of the humanity. But at some point, I felt this particular religion, with this shape and this particular practice was not for me, i didn’t particularly like the writings or even the practice.In the meantime, i studied the 4 agreements with Maud séjournant and started to dance with the 5 rythms. I left the bouddhist community as I felt I had to experiment the teachings for myself and find the right balance for me between the group and my individuality. So now I dance and study my ownself with your tools and others, and I feel like creating my own community with no defined shape, of people I like and trust to support each other and exchange.
Thank you for your work and generosity, your podcasts are so precious!
Love
Brunehilde
Hi Susan,
I like working with a group, I think, depending on the environment. While I liked Jazzercise, for example. I did not realize until I could not afford to do it anymore how much. Energy-wise, being around so many people for 1 or 2 hours a day was plenty for me (my energy does not last very long at all). I have always shied away from group therapy, even though my therapist has recommended it for many years.
For me, Spirit (God) is everything I do. Everything. This is not understood, even (and especially) by those closest to me. So… Most of the time I am physically alone, but really, I am not; but I tend to feel alone when I am physically with others. I used to find this unsettling, but until recently, I did not understand these dynamics to be of my own choosing. That is, if I take responsibility for them, I can make changes to improve whatever I find unsettling; the whole situation is not all bad.
I keep a journal. While it is a solitary task, it helps me not waste my days and be grateful for the day as a gift; not just something I have to muddle through. I add to it as needed, in case I think the time I am given can be used better.
When I started receiving the Beliefnet Angel Wisdom newsletters, I learned that others muddle through as well, and still others are learning that they do not have to muddle through if they do not want to – I think that would be me. That is, perhaps this is another step I can take to accept responsibility for my part of the aforementioned dynamics and improve not only my experience, but that of others, as well.
That all being said, I think there are times when ‘going it alone’ is appropriate, and when ‘working with a group’ is appropriate, but is is difficult for me to ascertain which works best. I tend not to see which methods I am blessed with or chose and why until way after this or that situation has occurred or abated. I am usually too busy drowning in the present! (If… that makes any sense… It IS 0430 and I am on my 4th night not sleeping, after all… I do not do well with no sleep – never have.)
Anyway, many thanks for your insight, inspiration, and support, Susan!
Sonya
Nearly 9 yrs ago I was in a very lonely place, didn’t want to live and didn’t want to die. I was given a chance to move on and through this chance I began to realize I was not alone. There was so much more to this life than I could ever have dreamed of. To say my life has changed is an understatement! I feel a wonderful connection to so much including this website.
I belong to different groups of like minded people, we share experiences, thoughts, feelings and so it goes on.
It is amazing how just a few minutes of our time can make such a difference to someone, including ourselves.
Your website was passed on to me and has helped me big time. I have given it to many people since.
Thank you very much.
Christine
Well I have been aloner for quite some time now about 10 years.
I have always seem to put myself in relationships where I am the listener and the giver, especially with my friends. I live alone and realize my solitude is not always healthy. I lost a 20 year old son and no one understands. It is either said or implied you need to get over it. Well they do not understand unless they have to identify their child and choose a casket for their child and all other horrors that never leave your head. I still try to bring good energy to the world and make a positive difference. I try to see the best in people. I try to read self help books and other spirtual ones. Your website, your kindness and your newsletter inspirations help me. I sincerely appreciate all you do. I have joined a few communities for the death of a child and found the majority of other parents are feeling the way. I continue to be alone most of the time and it does not work and I would not suggest it to anyone. I will continouslly try to become more social as we learn and reflect about ourselves with every interaction. Thanks Susan
Quoting:
“Ultimately becoming one with your essence is about learning who you are and it’s a journey only you can take. The strange thing is, being surrounded by a supportive group and having the assistance of a loving guide makes your solitary journey so much easier. In fact, in some ways, it’s the one thing that can make it possible at all.”
This is one of the things that I’ve been learning recently and helped me understand why I could’t be all alone anymore.
You know, everyone shows us something about us – it’s the mirror law. It’s because we see, we perceive the other through our own filter, our own judgement, that they are a manifestation of our own self. We discover ourselves (“our essence”) through the others. And one should be grateful for all the things (good or bad) which appear in front of our eyes – they are true revelations!!!
Thank you for your insightful article!
All the best,
Carla
Susan,
Thank you for providing this motivation to comment. I grew up an only child and adopted the idea that being alone was just fine. I didn’t need anyone. How does that song go, “I am a rock… I am an Island…”, something like that. That thinking doesn’t get me anywhere, it keeps me stuck. I have moments in my life when I have growth spurts and it’s always when other people are involved. You’d think I’d continue on that course. However, I always revert to my old ways and think I can do it alone. Note to myself, this doesn’t work. Anyway, thanks for the reminder on what I need to do.
Rae Ann
I guess being in a group or being alone, practicing… all are good options 🙂
Sometimes it’s good to be in a group and feel more motivated to do the changes, to take certain steps that you’ve been posponing in your life…
In other cases – being alone, helps you revise yourself better… it’s opportunity to look more deeply.
It’s upon your state, your readiness…
Thanks for this post. It never ceases to amaze me how I forget. It is the old stories of not fitting in that keeps me isolated. Thanks for the reminder.
Hi Susan,
I have found going it alone is pretty much as you describe it, all enthusiastic and motivated only to fall back and have to start again, maybe making very limited progress. Yet working with a group brings support in all sorts of ways, perhaps the most valuable is of being part of the group mind and benefitting from the group energy. Making progress is subtle, one doesn’t notice until one day you are taken by surprise with the way you respond to a situation and realise that, yes I have progressed and then, wow how motivated one becomes.
I can relate to a lot of what’s been said here. I’ve been mostly alone on my path and often have the feeling of wanting to do it all alone even though I often see myself reaching out and wanting a deeper, more real connection with others. We need different things at different times in our life, but being alone can make it harder to stay focused on our spiritual goals. Sometimes it’s easy to stray or become overwhelmed without the support of others, and seeing through our own filter system without trusted others requires a huge commitment to personal honesty. Even then it can still be quite tricky! But I’m very grateful for some spiritual experiences I’ve had that serve as signposts to who I really am, and I’m also grateful for people like Susan and many others who help us to stay in sight of the loving light that we truly are. Many blessings to Susan and everyone else that I’m walking this Life alongside.
Dear Susan-
The only group that I’ve ever been a part of was 25 years ago. It was thru a church, and the class was called, My Journey in Meaning. I loved going to the class. I was a young whipper snapper then, in a group with people that were probably up to 60 years older than I was. As I look back, I never saw “age”. I saw wisdom and learning and sharing, and a safe place to be who I am. My life has taken many good twists and turns, but I am back thirsting for more of who I am ….I have pretty much journeyed alone, and as I think about it, it is a lonely path with many roads from which to choose. I also think that by regularly being part of a group helps you be more accountable to your growth….you have to show up….. I am so looking forward to your mentoring telesclass in which we will also be part of an e-group. I have so many questions, and I know that I will be able to freely ask and freely receive. Thank you for the opportunity to belong to a group of like minded people from all over the globe.
My life has always been a combination of alone and community. I think it is important to distinguish between being alone and being lonely. Alone you may have the best company in the world – yourself, if you know the beautiful soul you are. Community helps me to stay honest with myself, by having the benefit of my friends take on situations. I do think if the community does not serve you, you can be lonely within the community. One aspect of community I think needs to be addressed if the effect of all our modern technology on the soul. First, we don’t see each others eyes, which are the windows to the soul. and we flooded with all the EMF from computers and others electrical gadgets. This affects our vibrational energy and health. Tech addiction is here and limits our time for community.
I have tried it on my own, and like you say it is very difficult. By having a group I found I had to be more accountable to myself. I am the one that still has to choose where my path is going, having a group that gives feedback, seems to make things a whole lot easier.
This post gives me a lot to think about. On the surface, I am not a loner, but I do tend to keep my most of my inner workings to myself. After reading this, I think that I will set my intent to look for opportunities to connect with a group or groups. This reminds me that everyone has something to offer everyone else, and it is more about the circle of the connection rather than a linear connection.
Thanks Susan. The sharing of your thoughts always helps me expand and question my habitual beliefs.
Very timely! Just this morning, I was thinking about how separated I feel when I “go it alone” and how supported I feel when I allow myself to just be when with family, friends or members of the energy medicine & spiritual healing group I joined a couple years ago. Together we help each other heal and change…to become.
I have had both experiences. I am a writer so being a loner is almost inherent. I took a spiritual coach training after being intorduced to its leader. From that experience my circle of wise and peculiar women grew. I felt so empowered to know that there are many others like me. Some of them continue to communicate with me. They listen and support me, hold me accoutable and send me Light and love daily.
I continue on my path of Spiritual Growth, but now I know that I have resources and support available.
I still spend many hours alone but tapping into universal energy keeps me aware that I am never eeally alone.
Susan,
You & I have never met but because you play such a part in my life, I do feel like I know you & I know who you are, so thank you for your hard work & just for taking the time & putting forth the amount of effort that you do.
I have recently began my journey & have only done things by myself, but I could imagine being around others who share similar goals would be rewarding & beneficial in so many ways. I am a newbie, so there would be so much wisdom & knowledge to absorb & just to be in the presence of others more experienced & people who would be willing to help you with questions & probably anything you ask, you can’t get that experience/loving support from books or the internet, I would think.
Thanks for letting me share!
I can really relate to being a loner, reading every spiritual book I could find (especially on the Toltec tradition) and yet not experiencing the life changes that I knew were possible. I believed it on the abstract plane but could not create my spiritual understanding as a reality in my life. I also did not know many other people who experienced themselves and the universe in the way that I did, and thus tended to keep this part of me separate from the rest of my life. It is a powerful experience to be part of a working group that is “holding” the space and the energy for spiritual exploration and has the commitment to do something everyday to change (or not). It is an evergetic reality vectored towards a purpose that is at the center of my being.
I use to think going it alone meant failure and certain death. But I found myself in relationships that actually amounted to hell on earth. Then I realized that I didn’t love my self very much and that I could only be loved as much as I was capable of loving myself. So I went it alone in search of my only true love, ME! So, sometimes going it alone can be a wonderful and enlightening experience.
Thank you Susan for all you do and all you love, especially yourself!
Trayc
Susan, Loved the article as it speaks to the me that I’ve swaddled up and kept so lovingly protected from the world. I was always a VERY outgoing and social creature for most of my life but as I’ve grown older I’ve found that I’ve retreated into the santuary and safety of my own space … my aloneness. It’s there that I’ve felt I could find the core of me, without judgement. In my aloneness I have been able to seek out the spitirtual connection with my God, to search for my own answers without fear of ridicule and to create my own happiness without the guilt of being successful. Obviously, the story I wrote for myself – that led me to this place – was one with a lot of mistrust, hurt, and disappointment and the only way I could find to re-write my story was to elimnate all those “villainous” characters … Ahhhh peace. Right?
Not neccessarily so, because, although I do enjoy my “alone” time for meditating, talking with my God and for those times of introspection, being alone, isolating from emotional connections, can be a very, very “lonely” place to be and sometimes I “feel” all alone, which is different than “being” alone. Yet, I continue to choose that aloneness. I have been involved with many different church groups in my life. I’ve joined other groups in my community – not always neccessarily connected to anything “spirtual” or “religious”. I like people. I love doing things and going places. But after a while I always go back to the place I feel most safe … my aloneness. It’s almost like I go get a battery charge and I am good to go for a while – that’s all I need. BUT! That’s NOT all I need. And your article has given me something to contemplate. I need the generosity, wisdom and love of others to help me continue my journey. Sure, there are so many resources in the world today that I could continue my solitary journey for years and never want for another book or DVD to glean from, however there is nothing like learning from the source …or drinking from the well as they say. Thank you Susan for motivating me to venture from my comfort zone. For giving me a different perspective. It won’t be easy, but ALL things are possible. I am greatful for our paths to be connecting right now, by divine plan, synchronicity, universal energy, whatever one chooses to believe in … Thank you!!!
Whoever said there’s strength in numbers was right. Since we’re all ONE and separation is an illusion, I feel that being a lone ranger doesn’t cut it with me. (After all, even the Lone Ranger had Tonto). 🙂 That old Paul Simon song about I am a Rock, I am an Island is now replaced with We Are Family.
I belonged to several groups in my life, and they all served a purpose at various stages in my life. I just joined the Apprenticeship Program because I’m trusting my intuition that my transformation to Spirit requires this type of fertile ground to grow and emerge into Who I Really Am. Aloha to Susan and all the other like-minded members of this group as we continue on this Great Adventure TOGETHER.
I learned from being in a group that to watch others receiving love and being held in a way that was so different from my own childhood, gave me a physical example of what love could be like. Not just something I read in a book, a theory, but seeing it in practice shifted something for me. In addition I saw what resistance really is. I saw love being given, and the inability , refusal to accept it , where it was on a plate, because of the filter system. This made me realize that it was but a mirror, that I do the same myself. I refuse love, and I don’t see things, because of my own filter system, but from the outside it is so obvious. This cannot be learned in individual therapy in the same way, although there is a space for that too. I would always recommend working with a group, and getting beyond the ‘shame’ of showing feelings, and vulnerability, or anger or whatever in ‘public’. It is a big step, at least it was for me, but I learned so much. I am currently thinking of joining another group and wondering where my life will go from here, it’s a great adventure! Namaste, and thank you for all your reflections and giving, it is appreciated!
Dear Susan
I feel like I know You. All your words deeply resonates with me. I am a very social person but I become a loner because I felt people do not understand me. I always felt there is much more in life than go to a party or talking about hair and shopping…So I felt like an outsider…Like I have nobody to talk to about feeling energy or talking about sunset and life purpose…So I was trying hard to fit in, work, be the”normal person”. I work from home even though I meet with my clients, I felt alone…I new all their stories for years…
I started to tell myself there is more about my life, I could feel it. And I went to study yoga and meditation. I did so much healing on myself and that starts to open my heart and new doors… I was attracted to different spiritual groups and people. I realize I am not the only one seeker of TRUTH, and I started to enjoy my life and myself.
I created my own group for yoga and meditation and I want to help people and specially women in need…
I like to let them know that there is “much more in Life for everyone of us”. And I strongly believe that we can only teach by example. I love who I become and I am celebrating my Life even when challenge comes. I see it as a gift from Creator. Lesson to learn and grow… I m so happy this time of awakening is here, and Humanity is seeking to connect and recognizing Oneness… I feel I was waiting for this for many lifetimes…
Thank You Susan you giving me this opportunity to share with all beautiful beings.
I love your work, may You be blessed always.
When we are not connected to our spirit we fall in to the trap of human loneliness. The human mind will plummet us towards self despair and let us sink in to the depths of hell while we try and justify our loneliness and seek out anybody who’ll listen to us. Anybody who will make us feel wanted and loved. The human mind will always tell us these lies. On the other hand, the spirit never lies to us. When we connect with our spirit we realize that we are never lonely. We never were lonely and we never will be lonely. Our essence, our spirit is always there, always guiding us forwards with a sense of purpose. A sense of never-ending omnipresent love. A love which when we realize that we are not alone can be sharde abundantly with whoever we choose. Choose spirit first. Then share it with everybody.
Nice post Susan!
Steve.
Hello, Dr. Susan ~
I so enjoy your posts and every bit of Wisdom you provide from your experiences in Life. What a wonderful Teacher we all have found in you! I am a loner, of sorts, truly because that is how I regenerate my Being from being so involved in Community. I love being alone at home with my furry children! I also love being very much involved in my Community and am a very active member in several Community organizations. I love to get those who are not involved in our Community involved and help them get excited about where we are going as a Community and how they can actually help with the greater goal of our Community. With this said, my “loner” time at home truly helps me regenerate my Being so I can focus on others in need. Plus, I love spending time with my furry babies and giving them every bit of love they need…and I need, too! Talk about unconditional Love to the max! Thank you again for all of your words of Wisdom you share with all of us, unconditionally. Peace, Love & Blessings!
Dear Susan,
I thank you for your daily lessons. I am new to your site but not new to seeking the spiritual in all of us. As an only child and a creative person, I was the watcher. Going it alone can be arduous, confusing, and sometimes frustrating. I have found that simplifing your thoughts, actions and having eternal gratitude has helped my journey. I too have found that with a sense of community, this sharing has helped me transend going it alone. Each had its place in the journey, but with a different filter system. I am now seeking the conversation with others, here goes a new learning curve. Who knew there were so many of you out there. Thank you.
Hello, I have been up and down on my spiritual path. Now seems to be a stuck point for me. I’m not sure why. I read your post everyday and have for a few years. I have even spoke to you on line a couple of years ago concerning anxiety. I think a group would be better for me, I don’t seem to be making the progress that I desire. Too many ups and downs. I need to stay out of my head for awhile and just move with the flow.
I can only say “thank you”. You’ve just opened a new door in my life, again. I wasn’t aware of how important a community is. I often feel disappointed by people (probably because of my filter system) and that has made me a solitary person. Apparently, I’m an extrovert person, I socialize, meet, talk and laugh with a lot of people every day but always at a superficial level. I never ever share my deeper thoughts or feelings with people apart from my partner.
Sometimes when I’m going through rough times I find it difficult to find the air I need to breath but would never tell other people.What for? To feel disappointment again?
After reading your blog I have just realized how wrong I am and although I don’t have a clear idea or preference about where to go to, at least I know I need to share with others and I’m conscious I should change some aspects of my life. Let’s see where this takes me.
Thank you very much Susan.
Working with a group is like a dressing room mirror that allows you to see the back and sides of you that you could never see on your own. Plus all the fun of being with people working toward the same thing – a life of love and joy. I need both the solitude and the companionship on my spiritual walk. Thanks Susan for your books, podcast, classes and all your wisdom that you generously share.
Hello,
I do so enjoy your many writings and tidbits. I too have been a loner, more than I thought I was! Even though I have been married three times (yes three, once for only 8 months) and have two children; I am recently widowed and estranged from my children after the death of their stepfather and the death of my mother, which was 10 days apart from each other in 2009. Since their deaths, I have been in a life of deep depression; figured there really was no reason to go on with life. I have been continually reading your daily blogs and updates…and they have truly helped me through some very sad, lonely days and hours! Thank you so much! I wish I had the funds to visit you in Hawaii in one of your retreats, but alas, some day; as my spirit grows and my depression lessons, I find I am more open now to new experiences! Love and Aloha!
Mickey
Dear Dr.Susan,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and teachings so freely. I started receiving your regular Reflections at a time when I was really searching for meaning in my life, following various disastrous relationships and what could generally be construed as disasters! But that was my old filter system talking -a year on, through reading and applying your ideas (admittedly amongst some others) I realise I have grown, I look at things in a more reflective way, and although I have achieved this on my own (albeit with your guiding words), I now relish finding the right group of people to grow further with. Working on your own can feel disheartening – it is hard to work out how to measure your own progress or even to know whether any tangible measure is required! It can feel overwhelming as a “loner” particularly if you’re also an “overthinker” and find yourself asking more questions than you started with and going round in circles. Working with others can certainly ground you and the strength in numbers can help you feel you’re not alone. I think what is vitally important is finding the right group of people who are supportive and who, in turn, you can support. For me, I have yet to find this group. Despite lots of enthusiastic attempts I have not found anywhere where I truly feel I belong. Perhaps this says a lot about me, perhaps this says a lot about the groups I have tried but I have started to look at all the encounters I have had as lessons and I realise I will know when I do find the right one!
Thank you again for your wise words.
Best wishes, Love and Light
Natalie xx
What a great post and special comments. Thank you, Susan and all of you. Are we ever alone? When I think about eating something, I hold the sun, the rain, the earth, the animals, the people involved in growing, harvesting, and all of rest of the process. We eat an apple and in it is the whole world. The more I know/am myself in those interconnections, that network, the more I know/am fully myself, and them, as well.
I am a loner. I have tried to make changes on my own. I bought your books and your tape. Which by the way, I wish it was on CD. I have also read all of Ruiz’s books. I just am not comfortable talking in front of others. Until I can get past this, I know that I will be unable to move forward. Thank you for being such a postive force in my life.
Susan,
Thanks for always sharing your time, talents and wisdom!!! It seems whenever I need guidance, I get some type of email from you that opens me to new possibilities or rather changes my perspective or sheds light on my filter system. “Thank you” seems so inadequate.
I totally agree and appreciate the differences between trying to ‘go it alone’ versus getting support from others who are on a similar journey. Years ago I was so independent that I had no idea how stuck I really was. I was totally blind to my own filter system; it didn’t even occur to me that I was simply existing and very poorly at that. Through the years since, I have at times been both alone and involved with different groups, but I can in all honesty say, I have grown the most when supported, loved, nurtured, and encouraged by people I now refer to as FRIENDS.
Thank you for this insightful post. It made me stop and look back on my journey so far and look ahead to where I’m headed too. And here’s what’s worked for me.
The most important relationships on my path have, and are, those with myself, my guru, and God. I have listed them not in order of importance, but in the order that I found them. The first two overlapped a bit because my guru helped me find myself, especially my Higher Self.
I find it useful to interact occasionally with people who seek what I seek, but not necessarily people who are following the same path to reach that goal and not necessarily the same people again and again. It’s nice to be supported by a like-minded group following the same path as me; but I think I learn more from people who are on a somewhat different path because they bring me somewhat different views – even when the essential truth is the same, I find it useful and liberating to see it in different ways.
Books have been, and continue to be, extremely important to me. They are part of my sangha! The one book that has inspired me above all others is the Bhagavad Gita, which I understood as well as I do because I studied it with my guru. I do believe the same would apply to other books of spiritual wisdom. I love don Miguel’s books, for example, and believe they are easy to understand; yet I’m sure I would learn a lot more if I were to study with don Miguel himself (as you have had the opportunity to do!) Not only would I learn from his superior understanding of the Truth, he would also bring his energy into my life.
And a wonderful guru brings one to a point where one can be one with that Highest Energy of all and so also be one with everyone and everything. That, I believe, is a oneness I can find only in a one-on-one connection with the energy that I call God – though ironically that oneness is a oneness with all.
I’ve been in both places at different points in my life. Surrounded by people at times and a loner at other times. Both have pluses and minuses. There was an article in the NYT I read today titled : One Is the Quirkiest Number. Funny and interesting read about the changes underway in living patterns.
Over the years I have had the opportunity to be part of a variety of groups, meditation, dance, tai chi, well being, yoga. All of them, have nurtured me, some more, some less but the thing is, I learned and realized things about myself otherwise I would not have., or maybe Iwould just not as fast. I believe working in group is very good because at the same time I work on myself, of course I do that alone but the sharing of experiences is great. Then comes the mirroring of one in another =)…
I would say to anyone if asked, -Just experience it, try it, see how it feels 🙂
love and blessings, Susan.
Love and blessings for all of you who wrote a comment =)
Your words, your love, your wisdom have certainly nurtured my soul thru the years =)
Thank you
Thanks, Susan, for your wisdom.
I was just diagnosed with breast cancer, and at first, I needed to process this journey alone. When I stopped swirling from the initial shock, I began to reach out to all who would and could assist me with the spiritual portion of understanding. I am grateful every day for all the love and support I receive, and relish the time when I can reciprocate to others that need a guide or mentor. Having been diagnosed with cancer has, in a strange way, catapulted my spiritual growth and has truly opened my heart. Whatever the outcome, I feeled so blessed to be surrounded by so many loving beings!
Both group and solitary practice are vital to growth for me. thank you, Susan for generously sharing the wisdom that was shared with you.
Dear Susan,
It is a bit too late, but I would like to leave a comment anyway… I am going my spiritual alone currently and I can see changes in my life day by day or weekly; of course sometimes it is harder and sometimes it is easier. You mention that when you studied alone, you did not do progress and because of that you felt even more depressed; this is a typical reaction of our judge part of mind and even the ones who practice in a group usually experience similar emotional reactions. I would love to join a group, but I cannot afford it and I think there are many of those in a similar situation. So I would like to encourage them not to give up in their spiritual path! Everything is possible if you put effort and practice every day!
Hi Susan, Community is like family but it is the family that you choose to join. I have been a druid for almost twenty years and have been a member of a Druid order for as many years. I am a member of a small group of fellow druids who have travelled a spiritual path sharing both our experience of ‘a teaching course’, ceremony and life. My druid community feel like family after so many years. I also facilitate a meditation group and they have become another community. Yes, there is work to be done alone but it is better to reflect and engage with community and allow for growth. I have recieved your daily quotes for some years and feel a sense of connection/community with you and especially now that I have joined the ‘Art of Allowing’ course. For me, it’s about connection and being an evolving part of the energy of creation and using that energy to re-connect through a sense of my own individuality merging into a sense of greater being where I and community are one as I and creation are one.
I recently completed a two year spiritual study with a group and it changed my life. I had the opportunity because i was blessed to be unemplyed during that time…yes blessed:)
Up until joining this study group – an interfaith seminary – I too was trying to go it alone. The group had requirements for meditataion and homework that required me to look at my filter system. It gave me the discipline to stick woth it and the support of friends when times were difficult. It put me on the fast track to freedom.
I stongly reccommend the support of a group for anyone who is serious about growth and change. Dont wast another day being sad. Life is beautiful!
Much Love,
Joan
Thank you for this post. I definitely believe that being part of a group is very helpful and necessary towards individual growth, and I have participated in many groups in the past few years, after years of painful shyness and hiding from any social situations. But once I was among people on similar journeys, I began to expand as I could share my journey with others. It’s odd, recently though, I have this strong urge to be alone a lot, and to take some more time to myself, which feels completely right. It’s like I need to integrate all I’ve learned in the past couple years, and to really go within without outside influence from others; I felt like I was at a point where I was sharing so much time with others, that I forgot about myself. So, as I do take this time, I know it’s right for me right now. I’m not completely shutting myself off, I do have my support group of close friends and still attend group events but not nearly as much, but just giving myself some more alone time to integrate it all and nurture myself. And soon, I’ll be excited anew to join with others more and share more again. The waves of life. Aho. Thanks Susan.
Hi-I look forward to & enjoy your inspirational daily messages. We live in unusually challenging times. Your work provides a touching bedrock of hope faith,trust,&hope. Please keep up the great work.-Thanks-Roy
My pleasure and thanks for taking the time to say thanks ….
With love and aloha,
Susan